


The Line Begins to Blur

by NDF



Series: Be Quiet and Drive [1]
Category: The L Word
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F, F/M, Gangs, Love at First Sight, POV First Person, Sexual Content, Street Racing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2018-12-12 05:48:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 34,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11730753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NDF/pseuds/NDF
Summary: What if Shane and Carmen met under different circumstances?





	1. The Line begins to blur

**Author's Note:**

> So way back in the day I wrote this over at The Lword fansite. Something like ten years ago. So much has changed since then with the fandom. And since this archive is so well put together and organized I thought this would be a great place to put this story up. I wrote this at a strange time in my life and I look back at those months that I wrote this tale out and remember just how much fun it was to share my crazy thoughts about what Shane and Carmen did in my mind. A lot of this was inspired by my life in NYC, by my love for music, by classic books I've read like For whom the Bell tolls by Hemingway. His style is so evident in this story. But anyways before anyone says "Hey you aren't New Dawn Fades!, well that name was oddly taken in this archive so I went with NDF which is just New Dawn Fades abbreviated. As some of you may know that was my old screen name back in the day when I first wrote this. 
> 
> Lots of words lol I know. Maybe some readers here have read it maybe some are like "who the hell are you?" Either way it was awesome writing this back then and I want to share it now ten years later. Its gonna get cleaned up because dear god there were so many errors in grammar and spelling jeez...lol enjoy. Chapters will be put up as they are cleaned up.

Carmen and I are in bed. She straddling me and her tongue is in my ear. She’s telling me in detail about how my hand makes her feel. Her words are getting more and more apart. But one thing is constant “Shane…Shane…ummmmmmmm” and on and on. She does this, puts on this show so I won’t leave her. It’s not really a show it’s more of a show of affection. She loves me, my hand. I love her and the body that comes with her. She’s got both arms around my neck and now she’s trying to get control again. She has these long finger nails and I can’t stand it. She comes loud and it seemed to last forever. She is shaking and pulling my hair to hold on. We do this a lot. Especially when her boyfriend is at work.

 

Her boyfriend who she says she loves in her own weird way, a boyfriend she swears she has never had sex with before. He’s the leader of the other crew. The pretty boys from the good side of the bridge.

 

When she starts kissing my neck I tell her to stop. I say “Carmen stop, you don’t have to do this.” I tell her that Havoc will be home soon. She moans in my ear “Shane please, I want to touch you so bad…” We are in his hideout as we do this, she speaks, taunting. “Shane, you’re not afraid of Havoc are you?” “No” I say. “But you have to admit it will be bad if he walks in right now.”

 

What did I know of bad? This crew had been my whole life. When my dad died all I had left was being a member of Slayer X. I would never break the code but I sure did bend it a bit. Carmen was an Outsider. I was in Slayer X and neither the gangs shall meet. Unless it was to race. It sounds primitive and it is. But that’s the life you know. Havoc, her “man” was the leader of the Outsiders. I never got their names.

 

I met Carmen at Elliot Mears’s apt a year ago.

 

Mark and I were chilling on the couch that smelled of cat piss when she came in. All tan skin, dark hair, a body that you would smash through a brick wall for. Mark was about to point her out when he noticed me looking at her.

 

“You know Shane you’re a fucking piece of work, you get all of these girls, the most unreal amount of pussy I have ever seen anyone get.”

 

“Is that a question or are you just trying to piss me off?”

 

“You know what I mean Shane. 12 o clock.” At the time he was pointing at Carmen. She searched the room for Havoc. I didn’t know it then. This wasn’t really neutral ground but we all called it that …sort of. She didn’t find him instead she found me staring at her with a burning look. It stretched for a second too long. Mark was making some kind of noise about that being out of my reach and how there was no way in hell I could bag that.

 

It was how I got by in the gang.

 

I would track the girls down and bag them for the guys and Curt who taped it in the next room. It was fucked up and I knew it. But my dad really didn’t count on me getting more play than him. When it became really apparent I wasn’t going to fuck the guys I made myself useful in other ways. There wasn’t any other way. If you wanted to be down you had to do whatever it took.

 

Mark was my best friend. He was more impressed by it then turned on by it. We had bets all the time. And he knew that was Havoc’s girl. I did not. I should have because there was a rumor about her. But you know how rumors are. They are true till you want them to be.

 

I can’t think about all that shit right now. Carmen is telling me, no more like ordering me to sit up on my knees. I do it, and she pushes me till my back is almost touching their head board. The one she claims her head has never bumped in the throws with him, Havoc that is. I do it, my toes now touching the board more than my back. She is kissing my neck, my ear; she puts one knee between my legs, her kneecap brushing up again me. It’s hard and I want more but I don’t know how to ask or what to ask her to keep doing it. She drags her nail across my nipple and it burns really hot “That’s gonna draw blood you know.” I tell her. “Good”, she replies. “I want you to think about the feel of that (she digs a little harder) cause I can’t see you for a while.” 

I can’t think about that too long because she pushed her fingers inside of me and now I really can’t think. She is driving really hard and my head is banging on the board. She’s telling my ear how much she loves to watch me come. She’s pushing me to the edge and she knows it. My hands are grabbing the edge for leverage but I can’t find any. And I have had enough tired of her little game. I Grab her hand and push her away. I get on top of her and hold both of her ankles in my hands and ever so slightly grind my clit on her clit. Didn’t take us long we knew this game by heart and when it was done I told her I loved her.

 

I think that might have been a mistake.


	2. Spider-Man Fetish

My name is Shane McCutcheon. And I am an illegal street racer. I roll with the Slayer X crew from Bakersfield Ca. When I was twelve my dad got killed right in front of me. They shot him in the face and left with his GTO. He lost the race and he didn’t want to give up his pinks. And they killed him for it. People have said that seeing something like that could make you a mean person. I disagree, seeing my dad take two in the face didn’t make me mean… it made me sad. Seeing my dad shoot my mom and her lover on the other hand had the effect of meanness. 

Curtis was the number two to my dad. But now that dad was gone Curt was number one. When I was 13 I fell for Sashay Quoins. Curtis said “The only thing a dyke was good for was warming up my bitches!” So that became my job. I would make the new girls feel more comfortable. And he left me alone under the guise of family loyalty. On top of illegal street racing, Curt was also a pimp a pusher and an all-around fuck head. His son Mark was my best friend. My only friend. Mark built engines stole cars, and fucked everything I didn’t. We were often called the dynamic duo we were so in sync.

 

Life was simple back then. Until I met Carmen. She was the most beautiful fucking thing I had ever seen. And somehow I felt like she was gonna be the death of me.

 

It was Elliot’s party.

Elliot was a wannabe, but he threw great parties and most people didn’t mind using him for free booze and drugs and girls everywhere. Boys too if you were so inclined. I didn’t want either. I was restless. I had my technique down so well with the girls in “Curt's Harem” as he liked to call it and man I was bored. So flash to the couch and Mark jerking me about Carmen.

 

“So your telling me that I can’t bag her is that what I am hearing from your mouth?”

 

‘You heard me Shane, that bitch is out of your league. Look at her does she looked confused to you?”

“10 bucks says not only will I bag her, but I’ll bag her tonight. You down?”

“You’re on. Go for it Tiger.” Tiger was his nickname for me. He had a Spiderman fetish.

 

I see that Carmen has this crew of people with her, all wearing the colors of the Outsiders, the Outsiders. Fuck me. I was just about to walk away when one of them noticed I was too close to their side of the room. 

“Well if it isn’t the player? Whatcha doing here freak?”

 

“Neutral ground I can go where I please.”

 

“Yeah sure freak” the ugly one said.

 

I walked away but Carmen seemed impressed that I was not afraid. Why should I be afraid, death was like life to me only backwards. I head back to the couch. “You know Mark there are better ways to make money.”

Mark is laughing “Yeah but that was funny, pay up.” I hand him a 10 spot. I get up and head to the bathroom. If life wasn’t a fucked up joke it was about to be one.

 

Carmen is a few girls ahead of me on line. She turns around and sees me eyeballing her. Her face is a mask of rage so I can’t tell if she wants to fuck or kill. And now knowing what I know I have to say both in no particular order. She lets the girls behind her skip her, one two then me. Her body is radiating heat and somehow her hands found their way to my body, her hands liked the feel of my stomach. “So you’re Shane huh?” she asked. “Yeah, I’m Shane.” I tell her. The bathroom is free and she grabbed my hand and pulled me in with her. Her escorts were way too busy playing beer pong to notice she vanished and dragged me with her. “I’m Carmen.” Is all she says before she puts her tongue in my mouth. It was so sweet.

 

She kissed like it was going to be the end of the world or something. I had to push her away just to catch my breath. She grabs my hand and sucks on two fingers and lifts the skirt she’s wearing. She guides my fingers drying fast till I feel her wetness through her panties. Over then under then in. She’s hot and tight, really tight. I never thought I would have been turned on by it but I pushed in her harder as a result. I am finger fucking the queen of the Outsiders is all I think. I bite her neck and she pushes me away and then she smacks the shit out of me.

 

“What the fuck!’ 

 

“No marks, no bites Havoc can’t see me like this!”

 

“Fuck him and fuck you, I don’t have time for this...” And I walked out of the bathroom. Fucking bitch is all I think while I look for Mark. I needed to get the fuck out of there before the princess got all bitter and I got my ass shot because of it. Fucking Mark was nowhere to be seen so I left the party. I am outside revving up my bike when I see Carmen walking out alone. I hoped she wouldn’t see me but the engine was revving and she reacted to the sound.

 

“Shane…..wait.”

 

“What? Look… it’s not a big deal. You changed your mind right? You’re fucking drunk, or bored or a fucking psycho.., whatever… I am leaving.”

 

“Take me with you.”

 

I looked at her trying to gage whether this was a joke or not. She had that intense look again. So against logic reason and the belief in saving my ass; I took her hand and she got on the back seat of my bike. “Is this a Ducati?” 

“Yeah.” I said, “You know bikes?”

 

“I know a lot of things.”


	3. .45

We are riding to my place. My place it sucks. There is nothing around. It’s a dead town. Strip malls, gigantic movie theater, Taco Bell everywhere you look. A person could die of boredom in this town. All Bakersfield was good for is drag racing and striping down tuners. Carmen has her arms wrapped around my waist. I only had one helmet and I gave it to her. It was a quiet ride no major traffic. I keep checking my mirrors to see if I was being tailed, but no takers, no fucking anything, it was dead. 

I pull up to my place. It’s a converted warehouse/ loft. Mark and I use it for work. The ground floor is full of cars, parts, instruments, police scanners. The second floor is Mark’s. The top floor is mine. I drive around the perimeter just to make sure everything is cool. Everything is checking out ok and so I park my bike in the garage. I use the side entrance since I have company. We take the elevator up to my floor. I type in the key code after I tell Carmen to turn around. She laughed but stopped when she saw I was serious. The lock makes the click I am so use to and we step inside. The light goes on as soon as we walk in. Carmen seems impressed, I tell her Mark is a god with anything with wires. And she asks is Mark my boyfriend. I laugh at her like is she’s stupid. I tell her no that Mark is my brother or like a brother.

 

“So I like your place.” She looks around and there's nothing. White walls. Black leather furniture. A tiny black and white TV. A huge sound system. And that’s it.

“You want a beer?” I ask.

“No.” she says.

We just stare at each other. The air is getting tighter. It feels like we are moving closer to each other but nothing is happening. I can’t get enough of looking at her. She is so easy on the eyes. I focus on pieces of her. Her lips, smooth and full. Her eyes, pools of darkness and light. Her skin, which glows on the backdrop of her white tank top. Her arms fit and smooth. It seems like smoothness was her greatest feature. Along with her tits which I just couldn’t get enough of. I just wanted to suck on her nipples till she came from the feel of that alone.

 

This was insane.

This is Havoc’s girl. It wasn’t just that a war could start because of her being on this side of Cali. It wasn’t just that Curt can have me dusted just for looking at her. She is the enemy. She is an Outsider. My father died bleeding orange and black. It was our colors. Everything I had I owed to the crew. None of that seems to matter the more I looked at her. I break the moment up by going to the kitchen for a beer. I take the .45 out of the front waist of my jeans not really feeling the need for it anymore. I slam the top of the beer on the edge of the counter. I couldn’t find the bottle opener I tell her. She just smiles. And that’s when she got me. She has the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. I didn’t know a person could have that many teeth. I am at a loss for words the more I look at her. Time just stands still. She laughs a little. I asked her what’s so funny.

 

‘What’s so funny?”

 

“You… me… this…. Are you thinking what I am?”

 

“You want to know what I am thinking.”

 

“Yeah Shane, what are you thinking?”

 

“I am thinking why you are here? I am thinking that I have broken the code by bringing you here. I am thinking that if we don’t finish what we started at the party that I am gonna burst.”

 

“I know what you mean, come here.”

 

So I walk over to her. Dying to feel her skin on my skin. Dying to know what she tastes like. Dying to know what her favorite color was. We were standing nose to nose. We are sharing the same breath. You could feel sparks all around us. I don’t move, and she doesn’t move.

 

“I don’t care if you can’t take it, I need to touch you.” This is what she said to me. We moved closer if that was even possible. Our lips touching but no pressure was applied. ‘Well I can’t take it anymore or I’ll die if you don’t touch me, so go ahead Carmen… make your move.”

 

Her hands are hot when they touch my neck. She pulls me down to seal the kiss. Her tongue is there then it isn’t. Her lips are like sugar, you know that song, “lips like sugar, sugar kisses.” Her hands roam all over, my hair, my tits, my ass. I never had a girl give me this kind of attention before. My insides are liquid; I will love this girl forever.

 

I pull away from her. I can’t breathe.

 

“You need to go.”

 

“Wait, what, why?”

 

“Carmen I can’t figure out for the life of me, why you’re here, or why you want this.”

 

“You can’t understand why I want you?”

 

“No I can’t.”

 

“What they say about you, is it true?”

 

That’s a loaded question. There’s a lot of stuff said about me.

 

“Your gonna have to be more specific.”

 

“About the hookers, the new girls, is it true that you find them and get them ready?”

 

“Who told you that?”

 

“It’s known, but Havoc told me.” 

 

“Yeah… I make them feel more comfortable. They know they have someone who will care for them, and um... It’s what I do I don’t really like to talk about it.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Why are you asking so many fucking questions?”

 

“I don’t know I guess I am curious about you, I wanna know you.”

 

“Carmen, you don’t want to know me.”

 

“You’re wrong Shane, I do want to know you.’ Somehow in all this question answer routine I didn’t notice how close she moved towards me again. We were going to be nose to nose in about 10,9,8,7, “I want to know what you feel like, I want to taste your sweat and my sweat, and I want to know if your skin is as silky as it looks.” 

Gulp. Is all I think? Who is this girl?

 

She runs her hands in my hair. When she kisses me this time it’s not savage, it’s soft. She pulls my tank top up and over my head. The feel of her hands on my body is more than I could stand. She runs trails of licks and kisses from my neck to my nipples, she slips her tongue into my belly button, and I don’t know why but it feels really good. She grabs my hand and drags me to the couch. She’s on top of me, a position no girl has really ever been. We are kissing and she trails her tongue again. First my collar bone. She bites me and leaves her mark and she smiles when I yelp in pain. I see a little blood on her teeth which she wipes clean with her tongue. My eyes trying to find focus, trying to maintain a control I no longer had. She licks one nipple while pinching the other. She’s doing too many things with her mouth. She unzips my jeans and pulls them down stepping back off the couch to get them off me. She makes her tongue trail up my leg, bites my thigh, my breath stops when I feel her tongue a little at first really gentle. I can’t fucking think as my eyes close and in the blackness of my mind I see her head moving ever so slightly. I hear her moaning and I can’t believe it but she likes doing this. My eyes are rolling in my head. I need to feel her mouth more and I push her head and that’s her sign I guess cause then I felt fingers, “fuck, fuck, fuck…” is all I say. When I come I see a car crash in my head, in the car Carmen and I are fucking we are face to face. 

I yell out.

 

I am catching my breath when she kisses me. I taste myself on her tongue. This is unreal.

 

“God that was-’

“Shuuuuush, I know baby I know. You deserve it. You’re so fucking hot.” 

Who is this girl? I think after the longest time. “Who are you?” I asked her. But she was asleep. It was awkward me fully naked, her fully clothed. But I liked the feel of her warmth on me. I liked the feel of her weight. Her hair smelled clean no heavy perfume. Her body was soft. I ran circles on her back then I feel asleep.

 

I wake to the sound of a glass breaking. Carmen jumps at the sound. We both see Mark with his mouth hanging open “I bought you your morning double shot.” He says. 

“Thanks.” Is all I say.

Carmen gets off of me and sits at the other end of the couch. I get up and grab my clothes from the floor. I look back at her and she has this strange look on her face. Somewhere between confusion and jealousy. Mark is still in the room with us. I ask him to give me a minute. He nods and heads back to his floor.

 

“So you and Mark have no problems with nakedness.”

 

“That’s the first thing to come out of your mouth?”

 

“Why do you always answer a question with a question?”

 

“Carmen I told you Mark lives here. Why are you acting like this?”

 

“You have to ask why. I’m an Outsider, Havoc’s girlfriend and I am here with you. Don’t you think he’s gonna say something?”

 

“No Carmen, he’s not gonna say anything.”

 

“I need to get out of here.”

 

“Ok I can drive you...”

 

“No just get me a cab.”

 

“I hate to break it to you honey but no cabs are gonna come all the way out here.”

 

“Alright you can take me to my mom’s house, I go there when I need to get away from him.”

 

“Will he have people there waiting on you?”

“Maybe if he noticed I am not around. You’re not scared are you Shane.” She asked me this while I was checking the clip in my .45. 

“No I am not scared of anyone.” 

She smiles that killer smile at me. And I lied when I tell her I am not scared of anyone. She scares the shit out of me. And I can’t get enough of her.


	4. Lucky You

She didn’t mention it while we were leaving that her mom lives in L.A. So the ride took a while. We finally make to her mom’s house and I am dead tired. We drive around the block making sure no one was around, just kids and locals. I stop and park a few doors down from her mom’s she still didn’t let go of me.

 

“Carmen, Carmen we’re here.”

 

“I know, I just don’t want to go back.”

 

“It’s the life we really don’t have a choice.”

 

“You’re wrong Shane, all we have are our choices.” She says this and kisses me goodbye. I just sit there thinking again who is this girl? Would I ever see her again? I felt a sucking pain in my chest at the idea that I would probably never repay her for what she did to me the previous night.

 

It was late afternoon when I made it back to Bakersfield. As soon as I opened the door Mark was in my face. “Are you out of your fucking mind?!!!!!!”

 

“Why are you yelling?” I replied.

 

“Answer the fucking question Shane, are you out of your fucking mind?”

 

“Yeah, but you’re not blind are you?”

 

“Shane this isn’t fucking funny. This is so not fucking funny,”

 

“Mark, it’s a one-time thing, I’m never gonna see her again.”

 

“Yes fine great but now she knows where we live, which means Havoc knows….”

 

“Stop right there, she’s not gonna say anything, she would have to say she was here with one of us right?”

 

“Yeah but the one isn’t me.”

 

“Focus Mark, focus.” I light a smoke and sit on my couch. I wondered if leaned in close could I still smell her on it. “Look the bottom line is you owe me ten bucks.”

 

“Here, but one thing why wasn’t she naked too?”

 

“Cause I got all the work.” I laugh he laughs. “You’re unreal, how the fuck do you this?”

 

I kick him out claiming I needed sleep. I went to take a shower really not wanting to get her off me but needing the water. I leaned my head against the tiles. I felt so empty. How was I supposed to live with the idea of never seeing her again, or worse seeing her with that fucking asshole? I could take him out. But that would surly start a war. One Curt didn’t want to fight. I kind of wished I never laid eyes on her.

 

*

 

It’s been a month since I had that thing with Carmen.

 

Life went back to normal. Mark and I never spoke about her. And life went back to normal. I serviced the new girls, Curt got his movies to hold over their heads and mine. And life went back to normal. God I hated normal. I went to her mom’s house looking around for her for like five hours, after that life didn’t go back to normal.

 

Everything was wrong. Nothing tasted the same, nothing felt the same. It, my life was a fucking disaster. I sort of knew that she, Carmen was at the heart of it all. So I decided to do something about it. I thought about paying a visit to my Hollywood wife. A closet case, married with no kids. I thought if I tossed around with her that maybe I could forget Carmen and her tongue and curves and her smile and her …. 

The list just kept on going.

I dial the special number she gave me. The phone rings twice before she answers. “Shane, god I thought you were dead.”

 

“Dana how are you?”

 

“You always do that.”

 

“Do what babe?”

 

“You fuck me then you leave, then I don’t hear from you for three months, then your all aloof about it…” then all of a sudden all I hear is blah, blah, blah, blah. I must be fucking losing it I think, because plain as day, plain to the world is Carmen in a tricked out Subaru Imprezza.

 

“Sorry Danes gotta go.” I hang up on her remembering why I don’t call her in the first place. I hit the button for the gate and let Carmen in. she parks her ride in the garage and steps out, her legs are the first thing I see, tanned and smooth. She has these really short and I mean short cutoffs on. Her top if you want to call it that was one of those shear see through’s with a black bikini top under it.

 

Gulp.

 

"What?” she says.

 

“Nothing was just thinking how much I …ummm.”

 

“It’s ok I know you missed me. I missed you.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah really. Why do you find it so hard to believe a person could miss you? You got self-esteem issues or what?”

 

“Which one should I answer first?”

 

“There you go again, wanna take a ride?”

 

In my heart of hearts I’d like to believe that this wasn’t a trap of some kind, I think that maybe a part of me wanted it to be a trap. Conflict thy name is Shane.

 

“What you think I am gonna take you somewhere and have you shot for letting me go down on you?” Sharp as a knife her question I think I love her more and more. Did I really think that? You can’t love someone you barely know right?

 

“Yoo-hoo, earth to Shane? Here you can drive.’

 

“Where do you want to go?" I ask.

 

“Anywhere, where do you go to unwind?

 

“Alright. You have a couple of hours?”

 

“I wouldn’t be here otherwise sexy.” I knew I blushed like a geek. She smiles that 1000 watt smile again so I don’t feel like a complete loser in front of her.

 

We get in but as soon as we pull out of the garage I hear a siren. Police siren. I see that familiar face and cringed inwardly, not this bitch not now. I get out and tell Carmen I will be right back.

 

“Well, well McCutcheon. New ride?”

 

“Officer Pieszecki, what can I do for you today?

 

“What now I’m not your sweet Ally anymore?”

 

“Alice what do you want?”

 

“That’s still officer to you. And I heard thru the grape vine that you received some new off the market parts? You know they are illegal right?”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about officer.”

 

“Shane?’ And she leans in really close to ask me. “Who’s that in the car?”

 

“Just a friend.”

 

“Girlfriend?”

 

“Alice you know you’re the only one for me right?”

 

“Don’t fucking bullshit me Shane. Why don’t you come over anymore?”

 

“Is this why you came here to stalk me or something?” She gets really pissed when I ask her that she grabs my arm and spins me around and slams me into the back of Carmen’s car. She pats me down in a completely invasive way. Then she whispers in my ear that she knows who that is in the car. “Carmen de la pica Morales. Nice Shane, wonder what the Outsiders would think if they knew you were driving her around. Are you driving her around Shane? Does she taste like a peach?” 

I mumble sugar.

“What did you say? She asked.

 

“I said she tastes like sugar you fucking cunt!”

“Ah Shane, you know the price. I and my partner can’t really make it on a standard police salary. Have fun with your tamale. Oh and if you get tired of her you know the address.”

 

Her partner waves me goodbye from the passenger side of her cruiser. She gets in and finally leaves. That fucking cunt is stalking me. I didn’t like the idea of dealing with her. But no one was gonna keep me from seeing Carmen. Not that fucking asshole Havoc, not Curt, and certainly not a fucking dirty cop. There just weren’t enough insults in the world for dirty cops. They gave the good ones really bad names and I am a crook. I get back into her car. And sit for a minute thinking.

 

“What the hell was that all about? That bitch better not have dented my ride.”

 

I didn’t want to tell her that Alice knew about her. She would go and never come back. Better to tell her half the story and deal with officer Pieszecki in my own way.

 

“So yeah that chic right… so… yeah she pulls me over one night. I am drunk, riding my bike at 125 mph. And instead of locking me up we go to her place and one thing leads to another, anyway she’s like obsessed with me or something cause I get pulled over by her and her crooked partner like three times a week.”

 

“So you slept with her too, how many girls Shane?

 

“Why are you asking me this?”

 

‘I don’t know I guess I don’t like the idea of you being around other girls, I don’t know, forget it.”

 

Do you ever feel like maybe you should have just stayed in bed?

 

“I don’t know Carmen a lot of the girls I am with, it's my job. I enjoy it… my job. I love to make girls feel good. I love to watch them with their eyes clinching shut and their bodies heaving, but lately I have been so bored with it. Then there’s Dana.”

 

“Who’s Dana?”

 

“I shouldn’t tell you this, but it doesn’t matter we shouldn’t even be in this car together.”

 

“Drive then, take me where we were gonna go before hell-cop showed up and you can tell me on the way.”

 

“Ok. I don’t know if you watch tennis or not…”

 

“Not really.”

 

“Well she’s a tennis star. Dana Fairbanks.”

 

“Wait, isn’t she the Subaru spokeswoman?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“It’s kind of why I got this car. I thought she was so hot.”

 

“Well she is. Anyway. I’m at this concert by myself. She was there by herself. And we kind of bumped into each other. We went back to her place and we have been having a torrid affair ever since. She’s married to some banker or sports agent or something. And so she’s my Hollywood wife so to speak.”

 

‘Are you in love with her?” She looked a little wounded by all this. 

 

“No I am not in love with her.” I tell her and she seems relived.

 

“So where are we going?”

 

“I thought maybe you would like to go for a swim with me?”

 

“I don’t have a swimsuit?”

 

“It’s ok I don’t either. So how about you any girls hearts breaking at the thought of you with anyone else?”

 

“No…just Havoc. You’re the first girl I ever did that to.” 

 

“Get the fuck out of here. You’re lying right.”

 

“Shane I didn’t say that I have never been with a girl, I just never cared about how they felt. I get what I wanted then I would leave. But ….. With you…..I don’t know I guess I wanted to.”

 

That hangs in the air till we get to the beach. It’s so secluded. It’s not really a beach. It’s just a small strip of sand. But we were alone for miles. So she was a taker. I knew a lot of those girls. You couldn’t get anything from them. Maybe I inspired her. Maybe she really did like me. I never came so hard in my life. My brain still hurts every time I think about it.

 

She leans over and kisses me. And here we go again. She has got to be the world’s best kisser. And we do this in her car kissing for hours it felt like. We don’t do anything else. It’s like a game. She places her hand on my breast I place my hand on hers. She licks my neck. I lick hers. She runs her hands in my hair and on and on. She gives up and comes up for air. We just look at each other eye to eye. What I see when I look in her eyes is something like love. And fear. And lust you know intense sexual desire. She moves to take her shear thingy off. Then I take my t-shirt off. She helps me get it over my head. We still haven’t broke eye contact. Everything we couldn’t say with our mouths we said with our eyes.

 

I finally feel her skin on mine. It’s warm and soft. I start roaming my hands all over her and then I feel something on her back. I feel a lot of something’s. Like scars. “What are these? I ask her. She tenses up, and gets off my lap. She climbs out of the car. And she is crying. I get out and join her but I don’t say anything at first. The sound of her crying was like acid being poured on me.

 

Picture it two topless chics at the beach and one is crying.

 

I go over to her to comfort her. I ask her what’s wrong. Nothing, more tears. I ask her what those marks on her back are. Nothing more crying. I touch her chin and make her look at me. “Carmen you can trust me. Tell me why you’re so upset.” She doesn’t say anything she just turns around. And what I see is fucking messed up. She these deep cuts, healed but scarred there are 15 of them in total. Clean straight cuts. Across her lower back. Her spine really a place a tattoo could be. But instead this.

 

“Who did this to you?” I demanded.

 

“This is the price I pay for not fucking him.”

 

“What the fuck…”

 

“I was a dancer… A stripper really. He came in one night to the place I work and grabbed me off the stage. And then he said I was his. The owner tried to stop him and shot him in the face. He’s a little bit crazy… He said no wife of his was gonna shake her tits in front of other men. He said I was his… He tried to sleep with me that night and when I wouldn’t he told me he could have me whenever he wanted… He said he could fuck me right then, he said that wasn’t the way he wanted me. He laughed and said he could have tied me up and fucked me and that there was nothing I could have done… He told me my address, telephone number… my mom’s job… the schools all my brothers and sisters went to, he said that he had his eye one me for a while…he said he knew that I didn’t even like men. He said he could fix that for me if I just gave him a chance. You know his rep, he is a lunatic. I told him he could go and fuck himself then he beat the shit out of me and cut me. He said he would kill me and everyone in my family if I ever left him then he bought my mom a house, you should have seen her she was proud and happy. He pays for my school. He takes care of my brothers and sisters. He fucks around on me. I fuck around on him. I am not sure what kind of relationship we have.”

 

“But every time he wants to and I don’t, he cuts me marks me his no matter what. We have only been together for 6 months. I don’t know if he is going to wait anymore. The last time I said no he kicked the shit out of me really bad. That’s why I haven’t been around. I didn’t want to you to see me all fucked up.”

 

I don't know what to even say to that. I just stand there, the ocean the seagulls her sniffles and tears, my blood was pounding. I could feel the trigger pulling as I pumped bullet after imaginary bullet into his sad dead ass. At the same time there was something she wasn’t telling me. Something about all of that didn’t add up. Maybe I just don’t trust people. But if she wanted to leave him he would have iced her whole family. But I am sure Carmen could have motivated someone to ice him. Then it hit me like a ton of sexy bricks. Maybe that’s what she is doing with me. I go to get a cigarette. And she grabs my hand. Her touch is hot. And maybe her plan is working. She makes me look her in the eye this time.

 

“If you think that I want you because of some way to get away from him then you’re wrong. When I saw you at Mears’s party I didn’t know who you were. I just thought you had the most intense eyes I ever saw. It wasn’t till Johnny and the boys said you were in Slayer X that I figured out who you where…”

 

It was hard for me on one hand I just don’t trust people on the other hand I wanted to trust her, I knew Havocs rep. He fed people to his pit bulls. Maybe she was scared, maybe her family was on the line. Maybe she didn’t have anyone she could trust. She is talking again. “But he’s not all that bad; he’s very nice to my family…” I cut her off.

 

”Don’t you fucking do that don’t make what he’s doing to seem fair cause he takes care of your family!!” I was yelling at her.

 

So she yelled right back. “So what you do to in your click how’s it any different from what I do? You fuck people you steal things, how many crimes have you committed how many times have done things you’re not proud of... huh Shane?”

 

Well fuck she had me there.

 

Maybe if I give her a chance maybe she will tell me the truth. The voice in my head the one that did not trust her, the one who no belief system had said I was pussy whipped. It said that I was gonna die in this girls arms. Maybe I was being too dramatic. Maybe she is sending out pheromones and I can’t think straight anymore. Maybe I should shut the fuck up already it’s not like I had anything better to do. We were even in our lies. I didn’t tell her Alice knew about us. 

And Carmen had a secret of her own.


	5. Sail out to me...

Carmen got herself under control. She stopped crying. We got back in the car and sat in silence. What the fuck had I gotten myself into? I told her I was going for a swim and she said she wanted to join me. That song played in my head again. The one about the girl and the drugs and the guy couldn’t decide if being a drug addict was better than being in love with the troubled girl. When she walked ahead of me and left trails of her clothes strewn on the deserted beach I swore she reading my mind. I’m just caught up in another of her spells. Well she’s turning me into something else. The argument raged on in my head but I wasn’t listening. She was amazing and the only thing that bothered me were those scars. I focused instead on her curves the slope of her ass the way it lead to her legs. She turned as I was staring and curled her finger in an invite. My clothes in a heap my gun in her dash. And I was in the water with her.

 

The water was cold but not freezing. She wrapped her arms around me and licked my throat again. So I licked hers. She sucked my chin licking and biting, so I did the same. She kissed me and I let her. Tongues dancing breasts touching I couldn’t get enough of her. I turned her around so her back was to me. I wanted her to scream my name. I ran my hands over her breasts I kissed her neck this time instead of biting it. Thank god the current was nonexistent on this beach. She leaned back when my I made my way inside her. She moaned when I made circles on her clit. Slowly counter clock wise. I tell her in her ear “you turn me on, you make it real.” She moans some more. With my other hand I pinch her nipple. Not too hard. But enough that she says my name. She says “Shane I think ….. I….. Uhhhh….’ “You what? I ask. “I wannaaa…..see you.” So I turn her around so she can face me. We are kissing again. The molten hotness of her mouth. The feel of a tongue I was obsessed with. The crush of her weight on me. Then I felt her fingers kneading me working me reworking me. I rest my head on her shoulder she does the same. I tell her bite me; I tell her that I want to be marked with her. And she does. She makes my vampire fetish come true. And we come together except this time in the blackness of my mind I see a super nova and she’s dancing naked in the middle of it.

 

We are coming down. And she looks me in the eye. She liked to do that a lot. And she tells me. “This is the only time I feel alive.” I laugh while I kiss her a little here and there. “And I am all messed up in you.” She laughs and tells me make a good pair.

 

We go and dry off on the sand just her and her nakedness and me and mine. The sun feels good and her lying on top of me feels better. I tell her we should go. And she seems sad again. She picks up her clothes. I pick up mine and we get dressed. She gets behind the wheel of her car and drives back to my house. My cell phone rings and its Dana.

 

“How fucking dare you hang up on me and bring some fucking skank to my beach?’

 

“How the fuck did you know I was there?”

 

“Answer my question first Shane, who is she I will kill her.”

 

“Hold on Dana, calm down. I didn’t think you would mind. How did know again.”

 

‘Motion sensors, security monitors I saw you and her on the beach.”

 

“Sorry Dana. I won’t do it again.”

 

 

“You’re fucking right you won’t cause your floozy is a dead girl!!!”

 

“Come on Dana you don’t mean that."

 

Carmen looks at me like why you don’t hang up on her already.

 

“Look you don’t want the press to know you like girls right?”

 

“Shane you wouldn’t…”

 

“No but don’t make me do something I don’t want to. Look we won't use your beach again. I gotta go.”

 

And I hang up on her.

 

“So you bought me to a special place that doesn’t belong to you and a place that you fucked this other chic at?”

 

Fuck.

 

“I like that place she doesn’t ever use it. I didn’t know it was wired. We had a great time right? Please don’t tell me you’re gonna be mad at me about this?”

 

She stops the car and tells me to get the fuck out of her car.

 

“You’re kidding right?”

 

“No I am not… get the fuck out of the fucking car.”

 

 

“Why?”

 

“I don’t know why… I could kill you.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I don’t know because I think that maybe I care about you and I think that maybe I shouldn’t.”

 

“Ok. Fair enough. But I could die out here alone, hungry. Cold. You don’t want that do you?”

 

“No...” she pouts. I kiss her neck and she laughs. “We have to have some kind of an understanding Shane.”

 

‘Alright-“

 

 

“I mean it Shane.’

 

“What do you mean? You go home to that asshole and I can’t do anything about it right? If I were to kill him it would start a war. I could go to jail. I don’t know what kind of understanding you want from me.”

 

“I guess you’re right.”

 

“Look Carmen I have my work and I have my role. But you’re the only one I want. You’re the only who makes my brain hurt. That’s all I can give you. We see each other when we can. You call me when you want to. It’s scrambled no one will hear it.”

 

I give her my number.

 

“If it makes you feel better I will find new and exciting places for us to fuck in.”

 

She doesn’t say anything. For the rest of the way. The look on her face when I said the thing about killing Havoc, it seemed like she smiles at the thought of it.


	6. You know what you are.

The dream is always the same.

 

Mom telling Pop and me go ahead to the Stars game. She doesn’t feel good. Her tummy hurts. She kisses us goodbye. We, Pop and Me are on the turnpike. I forget my lucky puck. Pop says “don’t worry Hun; we’ll get it the Stars need all the help they can get. Pop tells me stay in the car he’s just gonna be a second. Then I hear yelling really bad yelling. I get out go up the same stairs. I see Pop throwing all his stuff around. I see the shotgun. I ask “what’s going on?” He doesn’t answer. I see him yelling at the man with mom, who is the man? Then I see blood from the man. It splashes on the wall behind him. I see mom crying over him. I see her begging pleading, she says “bye Shane”, and she falls forward. There’s more this time. Dad is telling me to get my stuff. He says we are going away. He asks if I like the beach. As we are running out, Carmen is there. In a cop car. But she doesn’t get out or hit the flashers. I don’t wake up yelling from the dreams anymore. Why was Carmen there? I am in a pool of sweat. I get out of bed and head for the shower. Mark is sitting on my couch with a grim look on his face.

 

“Hey buddy why so glum? I asked.

 

“You saw her again didn’t you?”

 

I nod.

 

“What the hell Shane? If my dad finds out-”

 

“I know, Mark I know. I can’t fight her. I can’t ignore her. There’s something about her. I don’t know what it is…”

 

“Well fuck I can tell you what it is. You’re fucking in love with her. It’s not hard to see. You should have seen yourself at Elliot’s’ party. You look like you got hit by a truck when you saw her. Anyway I won’t say anything. Fuck him already. I am sick of his shit anyways. We have work tonight… are we ready?”

 

“Yeah… look Mark I was going to tell you as soon as I got out of the shower. I wouldn’t lie to you. You saved my ass so many times…how’d you know anyway?”

 

“That psycho blonde chic cop was hovering around asking me about the Subaru I was servicing. We don’t have any Subs in The Rack. You weren’t around, you came back smiling. I may not be a chic but I know you… Look get dressed we have to be there by midnight or they will start without us. There might be trouble so bring your burner.”

 

“Always.”

 

Before I got into the shower. I went for the bottle of Patron in my ice box. The dream had me on edge. Mark just telling me he knew about Carmen had me on edge. The race tonight had me on edge. I figured she would be there. With her psycho fuck boyfriend. Everyone was gonna be there. In the shower the buzz from drinking the rest of the Patron made the water hitting my skin feel funny. I get out towel off. And get dressed. All black. And my black and orange race gloves.

 

I grab the burner as Mark called it. Check the clip. Everything was in order. I go down the stairs make the knocks on his door letting him know I am ready. I am in the garage when he finally comes.

 

“You know Mark. You’re gonna do good tonight.”

 

“Yeah you’re gonna do good too.”

 

“Well let’s rock’n roll.”

 

He gets in his car which is an 89’ Celica, red. His baby as he likes to call it. I get on my Yamaha 720. And we are off. The starting point is at the top of Mulholland Dr.

 

The line of cars couldn’t be more fucking obvious. Anyone going by could see what we were doing... we pull up and there’s the boys. Slayer X proudly representing. Girls everywhere. Cars everywhere. It felt like fucking Happy Days or something. Finally I felt normal. All they guys giving me and Mark a pound. The other side were Outsiders. No Carmen though. No Havoc. Johnny from the Outsiders and the ugly one who called me a player came over. Everyone tensed up but Curt told us all to fall back. 

 

So Johnny says, “We want to race her.” And ugly goes “Yeah her, I want to teach that little thing proper.”

 

“Ok where’s your boss?” Curt asked.

 

“He’ll be along soon, just relaxing with his lady.” Johnny says.

 

No expression from me my face is blank. Mark kinda looks to the side.

 

 

“Well if you would pass the message along. That we need to resolve some matters from your trip to Mears’s party. A few of my boys had issue with damage to our vehicles.” Curt says.

 

 

“When did that happen?” I asked Mark.

 

“After you left we had some problems.” He says.

 

Fuck.

 

“Look enough fucking talking already let’s go.” I said.

 

“Oh, puppy’s got bite.” The ugly one said.

 

“Shane…” Curt said. “Speak when spoken too.”

 

I had enough I decided to get on my bike and wait while they jerked each other off about why did you scratch my ride and all. After ten minutes we were finally ready to go.

 

We line up. And off the corner of my eye. I see Havoc and Carmen. Havoc was one of those juice bar guys you see at metal shows. Big beefy guy with a tiny chic on his arm to make him feel bigger. Except his chic was my chic. Blood was boiling at the site of them together. There movements were in slow motion. She smiled that 1000 watt smile at him. She kissed him on the mouth. He grabs her ass. For luck. He lets Johnny grab her ass for luck. I sit on my bike silent as an assassin just watching. She doesn’t see me. I have my helmet on. Crazy thoughts running in my head. The two of them together. In my super nova. Havoc feels someone staring him and it’s me. He walks over to my bike.

 

Everyone tenses, Carmen, Mark, Curt, Lazlo, Johnny, Ugly. Me I don’t flinch. He stops in front of my bike. He walks around it, sizing it up. Mumbling to himself or whoever about what kind of cylinders I am pushing. He asks me. I don’t answer. I take my helmet off. And he pauses I guess he was expecting a guy.

 

“So you like the look of my girl huh?”

 

Mark walks over to stands next to him. Curt does nothing.

 

“I am talking to you!!” Havoc says.

 

“Actually you’re spitting on me. And don’t flatter yourself or the whore your with” I say. I lie.

 

“Oh I like your mouth dyke. Maybe we could arrange something. I’d love to teach that mouth of yours a lesson…” Before he finishes his sentence I had my .45 in his neck. He froze not expecting it. All around you hear chambers of guns clicking in place. Curt is yelling for me not to do anything foolish. I just smirk in Havoc’s face. I tell him not to start anything he can’t finish. He smiles and wishes me luck in the race. Carmen has that look on her face that small smile just for me. He walks back over to her and puts his arm around her shoulder again. He winks at me.

 

Curt comes over telling me I did well. Telling me I'm his girl. Telling me my dad would be proud. Telling me he has some prize for me if I beat Johnny. I wasn’t even hearing him really.

 

 

We line up. Johnny’s bike. A Victory. I tell him it’s gonna look great in my collection. I plug my head phones in my ear, hit play……..the drum rolls…..the voice comes in ……it sings... ”Don’t you fucking know what you are……?”

 

Carmen comes over to stand between us. She says the race is till end of the drive and back. She tells us it’s for pinks. She has this red and black flag, their colors, she holds it up and when she drops it we go.

 

The ride is mostly dark no lights. We are riding neck and neck, he pulls away and I let him. The turns curve left and right, right and left. I hit my nitro to catch up. He pulls next to me and tries to kick me off my bike. I swerve to the right. He swerves right after me. He tries to grab my handle bar. I turn into him and punch him in the side. He loses his handle. And I kick him of his bike. Practically lost it myself. But I get it under control. I make it the rest of the way down the drive and turn to go back.

 

I stop at the spot Johnny bought it. I was looking around for the dude. He’s nowhere to be seen. I make the mistake of getting off my bike and he jumps me from behind. He’s got a switchblade and he slices my arm as I try to get up. I take my helmet off. And he’s snarling at me blood running from a huge gash on his forehead. He can’t stand straight. He’s losing the handle on his blade slashing wildly at me. I dart in and out of his face. I taunt him asking him “what you got, what you got” he slashes my face when I dart in on him. I check my face for blood and I snapped. I grabbed him, kicked him in the stomach. He goes down in a heap. Coughing. I punch him, and punch him. I no longer see him, but I see my dad. I stop……….. And kick him one last time. I get back on his bike. And head back to the line.

 

Everyone is quiet.

 

Mark comes over and asks if I’m ok, he asks where’s my bike? Curt is telling Havoc to watch his back. He is yelling about how his man lost and didn’t play fair. Havoc just smiles at me. Nodding like I am his new best friend or something. I get off my bike and walk up to him.  
He doesn’t move. Carmen has a horrified look on her face.

 

“I want my bike back. I took his cause I beat him. If he would have played nice maybe he wouldn’t have gotten his ass kicked. I hope you understand.” I tell him.

 

“You are one fucked up chic. Woman after my own heart.” He gets close and licks the blood off my chin. “You taste really sweet sugar. Don’t worry you’ll get your ride you earned it. Call me when you want to ditch the losers your riding with. I could use someone like you in my crew.”

 

Carmen looks like she’s gonna throw up. I was too tired to do anything about his tongue on me. Don’t ever show fear to strays I thought. The cops were coming and I had to leave. I get on the bike I won from Johnny. And get the fuck out of dodge. As I'm revving up to go I notice Havoc giving Carmen to one of the guys as he went back down the hill to get Johnny.


	7. Peroxide

I get home but everyone is there. I guess the party was at my place. I haven’t cleaned the blood off me. Curt is at my sound system messing with my Eq’s. I let him. Too tired to care. Three really hot girls swarm around me asking me if I need anything. No I tell them. I go to my bathroom and kick out Lazlo and some chic’s who were snorting up. I lock the door behind me. And I slump down on the door. My adrenaline was pumping. I wanted to fucking hurt someone really bad. I cried big sobbing cries like you do when you’re a kid. There are knocks on the door but I don’t answer. I cry myself to sleep.

 

The sun is shining the next morning which was in fact afternoon. My face hurt, my body ached. I walk out of the bathroom and my place is a wreck. There’s trash everywhere. I go to the fridge to get something to drink. I hit the intercom is to ask Mark if he was home. No answer. The front gate rings and its Carmen. The absolute last fucking person I wanted to see. She honks and I debate letting her in at all. My phone rings and it’s her.

 

“What!” 

 

“I need to see you are you home?”

 

“Yes, what the fuck do you want?”

 

“I want you to let me in.” So calm…I hit the button. I go to the window and yell for her to park the car out back. I follow her through the monitor. Why did she have to look so fucking beautiful I wonder? I smell and I’m covered in blood, my house is a mess and here she comes, wearing a fucking pink and white summer dress. I felt like a slob. She knocks on the door and I let her in.

 

“Oh my god are you ok!” She moves to touch my chin, which took the most of Johnny’s blade. I move away from her touch. I cannot do this with her right now.

 

“What do you want Carmen? Why are you here? What the fuck do you want from me?” She looks like I punched her in the stomach. Her eyes well up. And she turns to leave. She is half way down the stairs when I catch up to her. I spin her around and I hug her. “I am sorry. It’s just-I don’t know...I’m sorry. Please come back upstairs.”

 

“Ok……”

 

I follow her up the stairs noting to myself how fucking sexy her ass is even though I feel like a stick of dynamite with the fuse 3 milliseconds away.

 

 

“Are you ok Shane?”

 

“Yeah I’m fine. just a little sore.”

 

“Do you have a first aid kit or something?”

 

“In the bathroom under the sink.”

 

I watch as she walks away to get it. The sound of her footsteps echo in my head. She comes back a couple of minutes later with a wet towel and some peroxide. She has a couple of band aids. She takes my hand and walks us over to my couch. She throws all the trash on it onto the floor. She kneels down in front of me and helps me take my t-shirt off. It fucking hurts because my arm is cut pretty bad. She says sorry but this was gonna burn. She pours half the bottle on my arm. It gets all over my couch, blood and sweat dirt and peroxide all at once. She is looking at me with these long shade eyes. And I don’t feel anything. She cleans the cut with the wet towel and goes to bathroom again to get some gauze that she forgot. Her touch is gentle. Her hair is brushing on my arm and it feels silky. I don’t know why but I was so turned on by the feel of her hair. She is done with that and moves to my chin. My hair is sort of hanging in my eyes and she moves it to the side. She cleans the cut on my chin. She mentions that I am lucky it’s not a deep cut. I kiss her. She kind of melts at it. Today she tastes like caramel. She pulls away and puts a band aid on my chin.

 

“Johnny is dead.”

 

“I didn’t kill him.”

 

“I know Havoc did…he called a meeting. And said this was the price of failure. Then he pushed Johnny in the pen with the pits. They smelled the blood, and it was fucking horrible. Then he raved about how we needed someone like you with us. He wanted to send me over to you as a prize-”

 

I push her away from me. This is getting so fucking demented.

 

“It’s not why I came. I was worried about you… I wanted to see if you were ok.”

 

“Carmen I don’t know what to say. I kind of lost it there on the drive. I have these nightmares …. When I was younger my dad killed my mom…he...um shot her and the guy she was cheating on him with. I had a dream about it and when Johnny and I were fighting I didn’t see him anymore I saw my dad. Then I get home and all these fucking people wanting something from me. I guess what I am trying to say is I am sorry for snapping at you. Look make yourself comfortable. I need to take a shower. I can fix my bandages. I’ll be right back.”

 

I strip off my clothes. Take off the bandages. And turn the water on really hot. It feels really good. The door to the shower opens and Carmen is standing there naked, I invite her in. We get under the hot spray of the shower. And we are kissing. I love kissing her. Its hungry this round of kissing. She goes straight for the homerun when she pushes inside of me. She pushes me till my back is one with the tiles in my shower.

 

In and in she is hitting all of my buttons. Her fingers are magic. I am trying to find some way to hold onto something but there was nothing. “Fuck, fuck, fuuuuuck.” Her fingers don’t ever leave me. She has her arm around my neck for support. “God this feels….” 

“Tell me.” she says. She sucks on my neck, I guess it was her favorite spot then I feel her mouth on my tits, then my stomach, then she sucks on my clit till I scream. In the blackness of my mind this time Carmen has the shotgun and she shoots …..


	8. Something in the way

We got out of the shower. I towel dry her. Moving slowly from her legs to her torso, her back. I kiss her back, the cuts, and the line of her spine I lick. I kiss her shoulder blades. I kiss the back of her neck. I kiss her ears. I know I am in love with her. I don’t know why. I don’t know her, I don’t trust her but I love her. Ok maybe I trust to her a point. She’s making these low sounds her breathing more like panting. We have to move this to my bed. Thank god Mark locked my bedroom, it was the only room not damaged by the party.

We land on the bed together her lips, my lips it was never tired. I was as though I didn’t feel it till I hit the mattress. She stops and just looks at me. Does she feel the same for me as do for her? When she looks at me like that I can’t help but wonder.

 

“What are you thinking right now?” I ask her.

 

“I was thinking about what life would have been like had we met under different circumstances. I was thinking how much I would love to move to Fiji with you and how great it would be to surf and make love with you…”

 

I rest my case; this girl knows exactly what I am thinking all the time. I made my mind up then. I knew I loved her. I don’t care how crazy it sounds.

 

“What about you Shane what are you thinking?”

 

“I was thinking something crazy; I was thinking that maybe I was in love with you.”

 

I don’t let her answer; I get on top of her. And start kissing her again. I slowly kiss her throat, I suck on her collar bone not hard though, and I grind myself on her slowly building that fire again. I do that while suck on her nipples moving from one to other. I look at her and she has her eyes closed shut, she has her hand resting on her forehead. The sweat of us together makes an intoxicating mix I tell her as I grind hard on her. She scratches my back and the sting feels good. I tell do it harder. I tell her make me yours. My breath catches as I come from the feel of her grinding back under me. She follows and the sounds coming from her are so sexy.

 

“I want to taste what you’re like when you come.” I whisper in her ear.

 

I blaze a trail on her body with my tongue. Tongue sweat and come are all my new favorite words lately. Her stomach flat and hard as a rock. She must do a thousand sit ups a day. I make swirling trails with my tongue. I make my way down to her molten center. I lick her clit slowly, her hands on my head moving the way my mouth is moving, she's moaning my name, “Shane, Shane…” it’s haunting the sounds coming from her. I kiss her thighs, wanting to slow it down, I lick her lips, I go back to her clit, I stay there for a while, she says she’s coming and that’s when I slip my fingers inside her up and in, up and in. her walls slippery and wet and dragging me in. They clench around me. Her muscles are tense and tight inside. A person could get use to this.

 

It goes on like this for hours, the kissing the moaning the turning, the burning. I’ve never felt a need like this before. All my feelings for her were exposed. We kissed for an hour, and then the fire built up again her hands, my hands when we came together her eyes on me my eyes on her I felt like the earth stood still. 

We slept. Day turned into night. I awoke and found her staring out the window. She had that look on her face again. The one I thought was anger, but it wasn’t she was just very serious. I put my jeans on and walk over to her. I had a white t-shirt and I gave it to her to wear. I kiss her the back of her neck and she turns around to meet my lips.

 

“Hey you” She says.

 

“Hey… you hungry?”

 

“God yes,”

 

“Stay here, I’ll go whip something up.”

 

She kisses me some more. When I walk out of my bedroom, I see the boys waiting for me.

 

“Hey Shane what’s going on?” Curt asks. He is staring at the fact that I have no shirt on.

 

What the fuck am I gonna do now?

 

“What’s up guys, look I’m entertaining someone, you could have maybe have called or something?’

 

“Yeah I tried but no answer.” Mark thank god for Mark. I go to the window sill to make like I was getting a smoke. Mark moved her car into the garage. I sent him mental thanks.

 

“So what’s up?”

 

“Thought you should know that Johnny Ramirez is dead.” Curt said.

 

“It wasn’t me.”

 

“Yeah we know, Havoc sent word that he was dead for losing. You did good kid, we have a gift for you. It’s in the box.” Curt said.

 

There’s a black metal box on my coffee table. I go over and open it up. It’s a pearl handle Colt.45. It is a fucking beautiful gun. I go over and give Curt a hug thanking him.

 

“I meant it when I said your father would have been proud. You wore our colors with pride. How’s your chin?” Curt asked.

 

“It’s good had my lady take care of it for me.”

 

“Good woman, you know Shane. I think that your role with us is going to improve… Well don’t keep her waiting you know how the bitches are. We won’t keep you. Listen take a couple of days off. And get back to me next week. I’ll have some better work for you.’

 

And with that Curt was gone.

 

Mark stayed behind.

 

“She's in there?” He asked pointing to my room.

 

“Yeah, you took care of her car?”

 

“Yeah it’s in the garage under a tarp. He called me wanting to know if you were home so I hotwired her ride and parked it. I didn’t think she would mind under the circumstances and all.”

 

“No Mark you did well.”

 

“Well don’t keep her waiting. You did really good last night everyone is talking, I think dad is gonna move you up a rank. No more harem detail. He’s really proud of you. Well I won't keep you… have fun, and take care of that face.’

 

He leaves. And that was a close one. I can’t even think about what would have happened if she came out to get a glass of water… I head back to the bedroom.

 

“You heard all that right?

 

“Yeah, should I go?”

 

“God no, want some toast and eggs?”

 

“Come here.” I go over to her and she just hugs me. She is crying again and I don’t know why.

 

“I have to tell you something. And I don’t think your gonna like it.”

 

“Ok, tell me.’ I said.

 

“He sent me over. I don’t know how he knew where you lived but he knew.”

 

I can’t fucking believe this shit. I start pacing back and forth. I want to kill her. I can’t trust a word that comes out of her luscious mouth. “I want the truth Carmen all of it! I can’t believe this, nothing about you is real! You’re a fucking liar just like everyone else…”

 

“No, look at me Shane. Everything between us is real.”

 

“What the fuck are you talking about? You want me to believe that? This is all a plan. You know my rep, you knew I couldn’t resist you. You knew there was a race coming up. You both planned this all along to fuck me over with my crew! I can’t believe this. I want you to leave. You lied right to my face…..goddamnit!” I pushed her away from me. I went to leave the room but she wouldn’t let me. She grabbed me with a strength I didn’t know she had and pushed me back on the bed and got on top of me.

 

“I want you to listen to me loud and clear. I don’t do anything I don’t want to. I don’t fuck because he tells me to. I wanted to be here and he made it easier for me. He wants you bad. I guess he sees something in you…’

 

“What he sees is a way to fuck up my crew.”

 

“Yeah like you’re so happy with them anyway. Don’t you see this is a way for us to be together? Don’t you want to be near me more Shane? Don’t you want to touch me whenever you want? Don’t you want to feel me whenever you want?”

 

This girl is insane. She’s lost it.

 

“You’re out of your mind Carmen, you have Stockholm Syndrome or something. You think for one second that he’s gonna let us be together?”

 

“Don’t you love me Shane? Isn’t that what you said yesterday?”

 

“Why are you doing this Carmen?”

 

“Doing what?”

 

“Get off of me right now!”

 

“Make me...”

 

“I am not fucking around Carmen get off of me.”

 

“Make me…You can’t, can you? Just like I can’t. We are in this together... Whether you like it or not. These people you’re with, all you have ever done is tell me how they use you, how they disrespect you why are you so loyal to them?”

 

“Why are you so loyal to him? He beats you right or was that a line to get me to feel sorry for you?

 

“It was a line.”

 

“God… everything about you is a lie. Get the fuck off of me!!!”

 

“No.”

 

I grab her arms to pull her off me, but she kisses me instead.

 

Bitch.

 

“It’s too late Shane, I won’t let you go. We are in too deep you and me.” She takes the t-shirt I gave her off, she leans in real close her breasts touching my face, “There’s no turning back, and now that I have tasted you I won’t let you get rid of me.” The heat radiating from her is unreal. Her tits in my face her weight crushing, the smell of her flesh, the lies from her mouth, it was too much. I didn’t know what to feel, I told her the truth told her I loved her gave her the control.

 

“Shane look at me.” I look at her and think is there anything about you that is real. “It doesn’t matter any of it, he made it easier that’s all it is.” 

 

“How can I believe anything you say? I ask.

 

She is licking my ear her hands are roaming all over my body. “Can you feel this?” She takes my fingers and slips them in her mouth, her tongue running up and down, she takes my fingers and slips them inside her, “Do you feel that, there are no lies, the truth is here… Uhhhh. You know it Shane, you feel it.” She slips her fingers in my mouth and I lick them, she pushes them in me and I can’t think anymore. She is fucking me, I am fucking her. She is trying to match pace with me. We sit up facing each other. Her arm around my neck, my arm around her. I can’t hold on anymore I tell her, “Just let go…” In the blackness of my mind the gun she shoots is aimed at me.

 

*

 

“Ah baby I am sorry I lied to you. I am so sorry. I didn’t think you would let me in if you knew he sent me.” She kisses me softly, running her lips on chin, my face, small little kisses so delicate yet so crushing. “I wish you could believe me and I know you can’t. I have given you no reason, but I love you Shane, and it would kill me if you never wanted to see me again.” More lies. 

“Those cuts on your back what are they really for?” She looks me in the eye, no blinking nothing hidden, “I told you it’s the price I pay. I never lied about that….” Such sweetness, “No you lied about everything else.”

 

I get up to leave.

 

“Shane please talk to me.”

 

“Alright let’s talk.”

 

“What did he say to you when he sent you over here?” I asked. 

 

“He said I’m the bait. He said we need a winner. Make your self known to her. He said that you were “staring,” He said whats the problem you like girls anyway right? He gave me a piece of paper and this was the address written on it.”

 

“And that’s it. He wants me to fuck you and join his crew and what betray mine?”

 

“He wants a meeting. He has your bike and wants to give it to you personally.”

 

That’s why Curt came by with the new burner he wanted to know where my line was drawn. Did he know about Carmen? Did he know about Havoc wanting to lure me to his side?”

 

“Talk me Shane, tell me what’s on your mind?”

 

“I want to believe the woman I love. I want to believe the people who have given me the life I am living. Yet all I think is how everyone I have ever known has lied to me. What do you think Carmen? Do you think I should betray everything for you? Do you think there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for us?”

 

“I don’t know Shane, I love you. It doesn’t make anything better; in fact…it makes everything worse. You have to get your bike back right? You don’t have to lie to anyone about that. I’ll go and Mark can go, Havoc can’t do anything to you and Mark….. After that I don’t know.”


	9. I got a stone where my heart should be...

I needed to think. I needed to get away from her and her skin and her lies. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I did not know left from right, up from down. 

 

The invite had been extended my whereabouts completely know to my enemy. The enemy with the friend inside. It didn’t bother me that Havoc knew my address. It didn’t bother me that he could send people to try to kill me. It was the life. What bothered me was that I was knee deep in love with a fucking lying- Well I won’t say the rest.

 

She left after the last bout of love making if you want to call it that. Her soft skin never lost to me. She kisses me goodbye like she was afraid she would never see me again. I watched her through the security monitors. Saw her remove the tarp from her ride. Saw her pull out and head down the gravely road back to where she belonged. I went to wash her off me. I must have stayed under the water for an hour. Just staring at the white tiles. Flashes of all the things we did in here. Flashes and flash backs of the time he let us spend together.

 

I was clean when I walked out of the shower. But I felt used, dirty on the inside. She knew nothing of loyalty and by me sleeping with her I knew less. I got dressed and went to the ice box for the bottle of Stoli I had. I turned the stereo on as loud as it would go. And drank, and drank.

 

What would Pop do?

 

He’d get a gun and shoot her. That’s the only lesson he ever taught me. Don’t betray, don’t stray, and if they do…handle it. Somewhere around 5 am I passed out. I had the other dream. In this dream Pop has got his car lined up with Fast Eddie’s. In this dream Pop losses fourth gear for some reason, He can’t get his car to hit top speed and he lost the race. Carmen is holding my 17 year old hand, while Fast Eddie and Pop fight over the idea that someone messed his ride up. I look at her thinking how much I want leave with her and then Fast Eddie pulls out the gun and shoots pop in the face. The blood and the sounds Pop is making, these chocking gagging sounds. The sound of him slumping on the ground, the sound of Fast Eddie saying “Tough luck kid pay your dues.” I cry and Carmen tells me “Everything to gain is won in blood.” She kisses me goodbye and tells me everything will be alright.

 

I wake up screaming from this one.

 

I drink down the rest of the Stoli to burn the tears welling up in me. I didn’t want to cry about Pop. Didn’t want to cry about Carmen. I take a deep breath, tucked it in the steel box of my insides. Got up for a smoke. Hit the intercom for Mark. I told him to get his ass up here.

 

He knocks and comes in when I tell him. He looks worried. He has every right to be. I felt the line that lead to me and him, the line that lead to Pop and Carmen all getting fuzzy melting together. He doesn’t say anything. I ask him what the word on the street is.

 

“So?”

 

“I don’t know Shane? Dad seems strange. He wasn’t too pleased with the outcome. He says he was but you were not there. He didn’t exactly look happy when you came up the drive. He didn’t look happy when that fucking…when Havoc licked you. It was a little too familiar for him. I think he thinks you’re going-”

 

The quicksand thickens.

 

“And what about you? You think I am leaving to join up with Havoc?”

 

“No. but don’t you think that girl is fucking things up? Is she everything she says she is?”

 

“No she is not….. I don’t know. Between that bitch Pieszecki and Havoc I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone knew Carmen and I were fucking.”

 

“Dad doesn’t know. He just wasn’t too happy with how comfy Havoc got with you.”

 

“Mark that doesn’t make any sense. He himself told me not to kill him when he got in my face….. No there’s something going on here. Something fucked up. And it goes beyond me and Carmen. Someone is working both sides. It’s the only thing I can think of.”

 

He looks like all the blood is draining from him. He knows something. I've known Mark my whole life practically, from those days in Dallas, to moving to Bakersfield. He couldn’t tell a lie to me to save his life and he was gonna have to.

 

“So if I ask you to tell me what’s going on with you am I gonna get the truth or more bullshit like everyone else?” I asked.

 

“I can’t tell you now. You want to get your bike back and hear what Havoc’s got to say? They sent Dad word that we could go to Mears’s house the bike is there. I’ll drive”

 

I didn’t like the feel of this shit at all. Now I had Mark to lie to me just like everyone else. We drive in silence to Elliot Mears’s place.

 

 

The music is pumping. The ground is pulsing with energy. We pull up and see all the Outsiders parked on the lawn. This is how gladiators must have felt in the old days of Rome I think to myself. They pat us down as we walk in. They take our weapons with the promise of safe return. I scan the room quickly checking for her but she is not around. Elliot must have finally choose a side cause none of my crew was anywhere in sight. So much for chilling here. I check for Elliot but he’s nowhere to be seen.

 

A sexy and I mean sexy brunette offers us beers. I except but I don’t drink. Mark goes to take a swig and I nod at him like don’t. The ugly one is sad in the corner. He sees me and his whole demeanor changes. He makes like he’s gonna come over but then Havoc appears with Carmen on his left side. She doesn’t look at me. Fine.

 

“How’s my girl? You look very sexy tonight.” Havoc says.

 

“Can I have my bike back?” I ask.

 

“Ah straight to business. I like that. It’s out back. Carmen be a dear and bring Shane the keys.” He says, and she does not move

 

The stereo asks “Are the motherfuckers ready for the fatherfuckers?”

 

Mark looks like a blank piece of paper. He is definitely working both sides but why?

 

“Shane did you like my real gift?” He meant Carmen.

 

“Not really. I don’t fuck people I can’t trust.”

 

“You know it’s funny she said the same thing. Weird. Well I am sorry maybe next time I'll join the two of you in your dislike for each other… She was gone for a while.”

 

“What do you want Havoc? I beat your man. And now you want to be best friends what gives?” I had to yell the music was so loud. He makes the motion to follow him out to the garage. It’s just him, me, Mark, and Carmen.

 

“I’ll cut right to it; look your boy Curt is going down. He is dragging us all down with his old school way of doing things. We shouldn’t be fighting over streets we should be running them. So here’s the proposal. My girl she don’t like me. Which is fine. She likes you. She told me so. Took a little motivation but I finally got it out of her……” I take the blade the idiots didn’t find and place it on this throat. “If you hurt her you will die slow and in considerable pain….”I told him. “I love it! You know Mark you were right, she is in love with my girl. The two of you are so sweet together.”

 

I look at Mark like what the fuck. He doesn’t look me in the eye back.

 

Carmen is just starting off to the side.

 

“You get Carmen; Mark gets to be the new number two I get to be number one. It’s perfect.”

 

 

“You’re all fucking crazy. I am not gonna be a part of this plan. Unlike everyone in this room I am loyal!” I yelled.

 

“So fucking my girlfriend is how you show loyalty to Slayer X? Interesting.” I thought to myself it would be so east to just pull the blade against his throat so fucking easy. The asshole was still talking he wasn’t as crazy as he was a windbag who like to hear himself talk. “Mark I thought you said she would go for this?” Havoc asked

 

“We haven’t really talked about it.” Mark said.

 

“Look Shane. I am a fair man really, I am. But I don’t make offers twice. I love the way you work. I need your skills. You get Carmen what’s to think about? Curt doesn’t give a fuck about you. You were gonna take Johnny’s place if you would have lost for your side. We are not moving for another 7 months. You have time to think. But I have to warn you if you talk or warn anyone. Then Carmen dies. And then you die next. Then Mark dies. So I don’t want to kill two people so in love with each other. It just wouldn’t be fair…” 

 

I couldn’t believe this shit…fucking hell.

 

“So you’re telling me if I betray my whole crew. I get Carmen. And you get my skills. And that’s it?

 

“Well yes and no. You get Carmen when I don’t need her, after all appearances must be kept. And I get your services. I don’t mind sharing… isn’t that what family is all about? Now for beating my Johnny, I fixed up your bike nice and proper. Run along I am sure you and Marky here have a lot to talk about. You can take Carmen if you want.”

 

I get on my bike and sit there for a second. I feel her weight on the back of me smell her familiar scent… “You see the two of you are so hot together. Baby you be nice to Shane.”

 

“I want my gun back.”

 

"Of course." He says with a movie star smile. He goes in comes out with our heat minus the bullets. He laughed and said I won’t need them.

 

Mark pulls out first but I don't follow him.

 

I turn and head in the opposite direction.

 

We are riding for an hour before I pull up to the familiar beach house. I needed to be somewhere no one really knew about. I make the impossible call first.

 

“Look I am in trouble just let me stay here for a couple of days. Please Danes for us…..” I have to think she will help….. The line is quiet and she reluctantly agrees. I pull into the garage, the guard opens the front door hands me the extra set of keys then he leaves. If we need anything he says we should ring him. ….whatever the fuck that means. Fucking rich people.

 

 

Carmen…. Mom …..Mark. Add them up and all you have are lies. I go for Dana’s liquor cabinet. More Patron. I drink it right out of its fancy shaped bottle. Carmen just stares with those dark eyes of hers. I don’t know where to start with her. She comes over to my side of the room; she takes the bottle from my hands. She takes my hand in hers. She kisses me. You see this is the problem. She never plays fair.

 

 

“Don’t do that….” I tell her.

 

She doesn’t let up. Now she is taking of her blouse….. Then her jeans…now she is in her underwear. She pulls me closer to her so I can feel her skin.

 

“Stop it…” soft kisses on my throat. She’s backing me in a corner. I am up against the wall. “Goddamnit Carmen I said stop it!” Nothing she just keeps on kissing my throat. My ear. She is rubbing my breasts through my shirt. My whole body is covered in sweat. I grab her and turn her push her really hard so that her back is against the wall. I pull her panties down and stand between her legs. Her wetness seeping through my jeans. She is trying to relive the tightness in her on my knee. I don’t move. And it’s frustrating her.

 

“Tell me the truth Carmen or so fucking help me I will fucking kill you myself.” I am in her face nose to nose. Her breath and my breath who will win? She tries to move but I have her pinned. She tries to kiss me but I pull my head back. “You can’t fuck your way out of this one my love.”

 

“Sha….please!” she groans.

 

“That night we met. Was that a coincidence or was it a plan? Humor me?”

 

“Havoc told me to meet him at the party….he ...he... had Johnny and the boys drive…me.” Desperate groans.

 

I reward them with my tongue on her throat. She has this birth mark right on her neck and I lick and suck her there. Cat was out I could leave all the marks I wanted on her now.

 

“Ok…did you know Mark was trying to join up with Havoc? I kiss her neck, her chin. When she tries to move to meet my lips I pull back.

 

“Nnno...no. well not till this morning.” She grinds harder on my thigh. Her hips trying to get something… This isn’t working. I can’t do this.

 

“I give up. You win. You lie and lie and I can’t resist you. Whatever fucking thing you have planned with them you better fucking finish it... Now!”

 

I take my knife and hand it her the blade pointing right at my heart. I walk forward so the point stabs me a bit. She drops it on the floor screaming at me asking me, what the hell I am doing? “You have my heart”, I tell her “finish it.” She just stares at the blood collecting on my shirt. She is crying again. I tell her that won’t work. I tell her that love will tear us apart. She is screaming at me. Her voice loud and shrill.

 

 

“What do you want from me Shane? What do you want?”

 

“I want the god dammed truth! No more bullshit!”

 

The yelling reverberating in Dana's house, Carmen was conflicted. She leaned her head against the wall. She was so beautiful. What was my question again? 

 

“It was their idea. Mark’s idea. He wanted you so distracted, he knew your loyalty was to Slayer X. Havoc found me…..in the Golden Lady…….he knew I would be into you…….he made me a very generous offer……. And then he pointed you out to me four months ago. You were with that tennis player in some coffee shop in West Hollywood… you looked so sexy… you had one of those mesh black things on. And an orange tank on under it. ….we watched you with her… you had a double espresso like you always do…. She had on a white pants suit…..she played footsie with you……you remember that day…it was the last time you saw her….you gave her something in a box….and she got all upset and left……you remember that right…?”

 

Fuck me.

 

I asked her to leave him…she wouldn’t fucking hear it. Her career and all that bullshit. 

 

“So everything, all that shit you told me about Havoc and your family s’ that bullshit too?”

 

“No it’s not. He wanted insurance I wouldn’t back out.”

 

“I don’t even know you….”

 

We made an interesting pair my bleeding heart, her only in a bra and tears.

 

“Yes you do. I told you everything we do together is real. When we fuck it’s real. You feel it… I know you do……I know….. Come here Shane…please…you can lie about a lot of things but not this…..you feel this….”

 

Her back against the wall my hand just feeling the heat and dampness of her. She felt as hot as hell…it didn’t matter it was too late for me. I loved her too much. I loved the feel of her on me too much, I loved her smile…it was way too late.

 

I stood between her legs. She had one leg on the ground, one leg wrapped around me; I fucked her hard against the wall. I took it all out on her. She clawed and screamed. My blood getting on her lacey white bra. She screamed my name told me to never stop fucking her. I was tired. She was done calming herself catching her breath we sort of slid down the wall together. She opened the shirt I was wearing. And licked the wound on my heart. It was a scratch really.

 

She kissed every part of me. When I felt her tongue in me I wanted to die from it. When she turned and lowered herself on my face, I matched my pace with her. She came first, I wasn’t far behind. But I was far from home.


	10. Truth

What now I wonder?

 

We are lying on Dana’s floor in her beach house, Carmen rolled off me and we lay there face to face. It hurts when I look at her. Does she feel it? Her chin, her eyes, her nose. I loved this woman but who was she? All those things I wanted to ask. I was no better and maybe I was judging her lies for all the wrong reasons, after all, she didn’t know any more about me than I did her. All we knew about each other was that we could not stop fucking. It was insane.

 

I didn’t know what I was gonna do about Mark. I didn’t know where this sudden interest in dethroning Curt came from. I needed to get away but I knew I would probably never come back. Was it a good thing to run from it all? No running is not an option, too many people would be bloodied, better to stand and fight then run and hide.

 

“Shane?” Carmen asked. “I really am sorry…” She kisses me on my chin where I got slashed, “You know it might scar and it might make you even sexier….if that was possible.” She sighs looking away. 

 

I sit up and pull my jeans up. I look around for my Camel’s and walk out of the room. I was hungry. A few minutes later and fully clothed she appeared in the kitchen, I guess she was hungry too.

 

“We can’t go on like this.” I tell her. “You have my heart, and my soul. I feel like a maniac when I am around you. All I want is the truth no matter how hard it is. I can do anything for you, I can race till the end of the world and find you and save you, but you have to tell me the fucking truth. I love you it’s not too much to ask.”

 

“You’re right, it’s not too much to ask. So here’s the truth…I watched you for a long time. I saw some of your races…everything about you…god I wanted to talk you so many times….in so many places. I don’t know how this got so out of control? It’s like being really fucked up at a party…in your mind you feel in control, your saying to yourself I know what I’m doing….I have everything under control. Then you get drunker, and dumber….and before you know it….everything around you is blurred and it’s too loud and you feel sick, really sick… In the bathroom it was like that ….I felt so out of control with you. Like we were crashing in a car or something, and then I felt you inside me and I never wanted you to leave me. I don’t know Shane. We are all a stage right? And we all have to play our part. How would you have felt had I said to you in the bathroom, hey your boy Mark is gonna fuck over your entire outfit and he and the guy who is your rival and my boyfriend basically hired me to distract you, what then? What would you have done? Would you have taken my word for it? No probably not. You probably would have killed me on the spot…”

 

“No fucking way I could never have hurt you, what do you think I am some kind of fucking psycho?”

 

“No you say that now because we know each other, but we didn’t then….. That’s my point.”

 

My brain was trying to compute all of this…. She leans in closer to me. She kisses me on the cheek.

 

“I am tired can we please go to sleep?” she asked.

 

“Don’t you need to get back to him?”

 

“I need to sleep; I want to stay with you at least for tonight. Please Shane?

 

How could I deny her anything? We walk up to one of Dana’s guest rooms. I didn’t want to sleep in a bed I shared with her. It was just too weird. The room was nice, the bed soft and cozy. Carmen stripped down and climbed under the sheets. I joined her. She rested her head on my shoulder… I kissed her goodnight. And for once we just slept in a bed.

 

*

 

“What do you want me to say? I’m sorry…that’s the life and you know it kid…god get that fucking gun out of my face… You’re just a little girl you don’t want this on you…..think about it….man tell her, tell her she can’t do this…please, please, please don’t kill me don’t-” 

 

That was not a dream it was a memory of something horrible I did.  
The way out was through, that’s what the man said. I get up and get dressed. Carmen when she sleeps looks like an angel. Had I made up my mind? I’ve done worse things to get people to like me. Was it really so bad? If you love someone you will do whatever it takes to keep them right? So I fuck over Curt and the boys for Carmen and Mark. Or I kill Havoc? I had enough blood on my hands already. I needed a way to get out of this without killing anymore.

 

Carmen is awake. She looks at me like how did we get here?

 

“Where are we?”

 

“Dana’s house remember?” I ask her.

 

“Oh yeah, come back to bed.” She yawns.

 

“I had these dreams about you the last couple of nights.” I tell her as I get under the sheets with her. She’s warm and very naked and I am in my clothes again. “What were they about?” she asks.

 

“I have these recurring dreams three of them. One thing is that they are all about my father. In one dream we come home early and we find Mom in bed with this guy and Pop goes nuts and shoots her…” I look at Carmen and she is sad…. The look on her face is hard to read. “And anyway, the other is about Pop getting killed for losing the race, and the last one is about…me getting even with Fast Eddie, you were in all three.”

 

She sits up and looks at me for a second. “Shane are you telling me that you killed the guy in your dream or you killed him for real?”

 

“You know these last few times you were in all of them, the dreams… it’s weird.”

 

“Shane I asked you a question?”

 

“The last one I wasn’t young I was like a 17 in it… I don’t know what that means….”

 

“Shane look at me, look at me…..did you kill this guy?”

 

“And what if I did?”

 

She starts to speak then stops. 

 

‘Carmen what If I did? Does it make me a monster, does it make me less desirable to you….if I were to go down on you right now… would you not feel it?”

 

“I…I…”

 

“Come on Carmen tell me…if I kissed you right now would you push me away?”

 

She looks scared.

 

“Shane…. Did you kill that guy?”

 

“……Yes I did. He killed my father. He left me an orphan. I had no one but Curt and Mark…he killed my father Carmen. What was I supposed to do let him walk around while my father had maggots crawling out of his face?”

 

“I need to go….’ She says.

 

“No, no, no. you can’t leave…please don’t leave.” She gets up and looks at me…she is crying again. What the hell are doing to each other?

 

“Why did you tell me this? She asks.

 

“Because I love you. And I want to trust you and I want you to trust me. And maybe I can’t live with it anymore. I can’t sleep, most days I can’t eat… it’s why I race the way I do. It’s why I live the way I do…..I know I am on borrowed time. Sooner or later one way or another I am gonna have to pay for what I’ve done…”

 

She turns like she was gonna leave the room. But she changes her mind. And she walks over to my side pf the bed. She hugs me. And I couldn’t not cry. It was the most caring hug I’ve had since Mom died. I just cried and cried. She was cooing in my ear. She rubbed my back till I stopped.

 

“Shush, baby its ok…..it’s gonna be ok.” It was her mantra in my ear. “I know why you did it…. I know why you can’t trust people ……. I know.” She kisses me slow. Nothing like our normal pace. It’s just slow. She wasn’t trying to invade me she was trying to love me…. We just fall into the bed with invisible movement. I guess fear sets you free. I was so afraid she was keeping some horrible fucking thing from me and instead it was me with the horrible secret. I guess the jokes on me.

 

It’s slow and incredibly hot. Her turn my turn it didn’t matter. What was happening on this night was more about trust than anything else. It wasn’t just her tongue in my mouth or my fingers in her. It was a bond. Her hands in my hair, tracing messages on her body with my mouth it was all a blur. And we were getting farther away from the horrible things we had to do to get here in the first place.


	11. Bittersweet

We get up the next day round two in the afternoon. Dana is in the room with us. She is standing at the foot of the bed and she looks pretty fucking pissed.

 

“Dana Fairbanks, Carmen del la pica Morales.” I guess I felt the need to introduce them.

 

“So this was the trouble you are in huh? What is she, an illegal?”

 

“Oh now that’s not nice…when was the last time you won a match against someone not in semi-retirement?” Carmen asked.

 

“Ha ha ha, Shane can I see you outside?”

 

 

I kiss Carmen goodbye. Suddenly thinking how funny this was. Compared to the last few days this part of my life felt a little normal. Carmen gets up out of bed naked and Dana can’t help but stare as we walk out of her guestroom.

 

“What the fuck is the emergency I was actually worried about you and here you are with my naked replacement.” She bitched.

 

“Is there a question in there somewhere?”

 

“My god Shane what happened to your face?” She touches my chin and normally I would shiver at her touch but this time I felt nothing. I really wanted her to stop touching me before Carmen came out the room. 

 

“It’s nothing just a racing thing.” I tell her.

 

“Well Shane you really are making the most of this life your living, what happened to beauty school and being a stylist and all that?”   
I always wondered what my life would have been like on that road. I don’t think about it too long Dana is not done lecturing me. 

 

“I mean Jesus Shane you live like a nomad. New girl every night, blood on your clothes, you drink too much, you do too many drugs, you have a dangerous life and I am sure death is round the corner.”

 

Wow she had me all figured out didn’t she?

 

“Ok you know,” I growled with frustration. “I tried to settle down with you. I loved you and you told me that I wasn’t a priority; you didn’t want to give up Mr. Banker. I gave you my fucking everything and you threw it back in my fucking face. Don’t fucking stand there and judge me now. You don’t get to do that anymore. Thanks for helping me out last night but I think we will be leaving. Have a nice safe sheltered life Dana. It’s been …….well it’s been a fucking waste of my time.”

 

Carmen is ready to go. And as we head down the stairs I hear Dana yelling about how I didn’t make the bed.

 

“You know sometimes I wonder what I saw in her…..” I start up my bike and head to her Mom’s house. Her arms round my waist her head leaning on my back….there was nothing I wouldn’t do for this girl…. I think I made up my mind about whose side I was on... Hers.

 

We pull up to her Mom’s house. She gives me my helmet back. And we kiss for five minutes. Only this time I kissed her like it was the end of the world.

 

 

“I gotta go and deal with Mark, call me ok?”

 

“Bye baby….”

 

I watch her till she gets inside the house. It was a long ride back home.


	12. This is no dream/This is for real

Back home I pull into the garage and Mark was not there. Hit the elevator for the second floor. I knock on his door. No answer. I use his key code. It wasn’t hard to figure out. It was 725. Mickey Mantle and Jason Giambi’s numbers. 

 

The gun his father gave me was pointed at his head. I tapped the gun against his head to wake him up. The blonde draped around his waist wasn’t too happy about how I woke him. I told her to get the fuck out. She didn’t move at first then I put the gun in her face and it provides the right amount of motivation. She finally leaves.

 

“So you’re mad huh? He asks.

 

“Am I mad, you have a chic follow me around, you made me fall in love with her, and all so you could betray your dad? What the fuck sense does this make?”

 

“So you think it’s that simple huh? You got it all figured out?”

 

“Mark stops this. You don’t want to kill your father, he’s the only father your ever gonna have!”

 

“Shane, he’s not the person you think he is. Look at the way he treats you. You’re a step above turning tricks. He gives you all the shitty races, makes you steal the hottest cars. He didn’t even defend you when Havoc got in your face.”

 

“Don’t you fucking tell me this is about me. Your dad and I got along fine.”

 

“It’s not about you, it’s about me and how he has no faith in me. He has no respect for me. That was supposed to be my race and instead he gave it to you”

 

“Do you even know why your mad him?

 

“There are a lot of reasons.”

 

“Why not tell me outright, why drag Carmen in this? Why use her?”

 

“No Shane you got it wrong, she came to me. That was all her. She wanted to know who you were. Who is Shane is all she ever asked.”

 

And people wonder all the time why I don’t trust people. They actually wonder.

 

“So Carmen came to you when?”

 

“Does it matter? Nothing I say is gonna-”

 

I take the gun and I point it at him.

 

“It matters to me…”

 

“You love her right, then I did you a favor. She loves you right? So what’s the problem Shane?”

 

“The problem Mark is that you don’t know what… you don’t know what you’re doing. Havoc is using you, me and Carmen. Once he gets our turf. He’s gonna hold all the cards. You’re a fucking idiot.”

 

The gun still pointed at his face and I think maybe my words were starting to sink in, like maybe he didn’t think this out….

 

“Shane if my dad finds out….”

 

“You’re fucking telling me….”

 

“God Shane you have to help me…”

 

“Did I mention that you’re a fucking idiot?”

 

 

He must be an idiot if he thinks I am gonna fall for that bullshit. I tell him I need sleep. And I leave. I head up to my place in desperate need for a drink. I check my icebox for something…..nothing. Guess I had to deal with this one sober. What day, what a week what a month. I put the stereo on as loud as it would go again, I needed to think. I stay there for an hour and come up with nothing.

 

* 

 

 

I dreamed a nightmare. Only thing was it was all true.

 

I was 19. I was old enough to race on my own without Curt's help or permission. All I wanted was to get Fast Eddie. Curt was against it but there was little he could do. I wanted this fucking guys blood and I was gonna get it one way or the other. So he looked the other way, when I lined up in Death Valley to challenge Fast Eddie. The sun baked us alive in those cars. But I felt nothing. I was acting out my own death in the car riding neck and neck with him. It was great feeling. I didn’t cheat to beat him. And I waited for him the finish line. Lazlo and Mark took care of his people. And that left Fast Eddie to me. They held him down while I kicked the crap out of him. The more I hit him the less I felt, it wasn’t gratification I was feeling. It wasn’t no fucking anything.

 

“You remember me?” I asked his bloody face.

 

“No….should I?” He spit blood in my face.

 

“You think that scares me? I have no fear. I don’t know what it means… 7 1/2 years ago you killed my father…. Pay your dues…… you remember that?” I smashed the butt end of my .45 in his face. “I asked you a question?”

 

 

“What do you want me to say…..I’m sorry…that’s the life and you know it kid……..god get that fucking gun out of my face……. Your just a little girl you don’t want this on you…..think about it….man tell her, tell her she can't do this…….please, please, please don’t kill me don’t…………….”

 

Laying there in the dark, with the revelation that I really earned the life I was living. I didn’t deserve Carmen or her love. I deserved to join Pop, Mom and Fast Eddie in the hot place...


	13. Lovely as a split lip

I went for a ride. I wanted trouble, I wanted to hurt someone. I wanted to hurt myself. I cruised around Bakersfield at 105 mph, everything streaking and blurring….nothing was popping though. I parked at The Roadhouse it’s where Slayer X would go to have fun and make trouble. I pull into the parking lot and see Lazlo, Christy and Curt all outside. They were ripped. They all greeted me with hey’s and pats on the back.

 

“You know McCutcheon you’re just like your dad. He loved the ladies and driving fast and so do you….” I looked at him like whatever…. “Ah don’t take it that way it’s a good thing…how’s my girl?” Curt drooled.

 

“Good Curt, good.”

 

“Wow that’s a hell of a nick you have there kiddo…your lady take good care of you?”

 

“Yeah, she alright.”

 

“Great when do I get to meet her?”

 

“Well she is kind of pissed at me…it’s why I am here.”

 

“So you gonna hook up with someone?”

 

“I don’t know Curt, hey look thanks for the new burner… got it on me now…”

 

“Ah Shane it’s the least I could do……….. Hey what did Havoc tell you when he licked you, that muthafucka?”

 

“He said I tasted like sugar.”

 

He puts his arm around me and says.” You know one day we’re gonna get that fuck!!”

 

“Yeah I know….” I thought, not before he gets you.

 

“Where’s my boy…”

 

“He’s at home with a sexy blonde...”

 

“Good for hmmm.”

 

“I’ll see you later boss…”

 

He just turns to Christy.

 

I walk into The Roadhouse. It was a dive bar. Saw dust mechanical bull, hillbilly rock blaring from the jukebox. I ordered a bottle of Patron, told sweetness behind the bar to leave the bottle and put it on my tab. I sat there drinking and thinking. I felt a tap on my shoulder and wished it was Carmen. Instead it was Alice.

 

“Hey there good looking come here often…” she slurred. She was plastered and her partner was nowhere in sight.

 

“Are you on duty? You really shouldn’t drink if you are.” I tell her.

 

“So how’s your tamale. Is she as hot as she looks?’

 

“Hotter. What do you want?” 

 

“Oh Shane I want you of course. I miss the fun we used to have. Hey what does your Hollywood wife think of her, your tamale?”

 

“I broke it off with her a while ago.”

 

“So why did I see your bike parked in her driveway?”

 

I look at her for a second. Blood boiling, this bitch is so totally stalking me.

 

“Are you fucking following me?”

 

“Shane," She says while licking my ear. "I love you tongue, I need it. You have to fuck me…you jusssst havvve to!”

 

Why, what did I do to deserve this shit…? Don’t answer that. I grab Alice and drag her to the ladies room.

 

“Listen to me and understand. I don’t want you. I fucked you to get out of going to jail. I sent your partner the money. And so fucking help me if you don’t back off there’s gonna be trouble. I don’t want that for you. But if you keep it up you’re not going to wake up tomorrow.”

“Oh Shane you’re so sexy when you’re mad… you forget I know about your tamale…..”

“It does not matter. You say a fucking thing. Just one thing about her and I swear to god I’ll have you fed to dogs….”

 

We stare at each other. And she looks scared what kind of cop was she?

 

“God Shane what they see about you is truth. You’re a psychopath. You have no feelings. Threatening a police officer is a crime-”

I grab her and push her into the stall. She has a dress on soft and frilly. This is what she wants…I lift her dress. I pull her panties down to her ankles. I don’t kiss her or let her kiss me. I put my hand over her mouth. I push inside her hard, painful I don’t care if she gets off or not but she does. She screams against my hand her tongue licking the palm of hand. I push and I push and push and I feel her collapsing on me. It was over before it began. “That was SO good….god. Shane that’s all I wanted….” I grab her by the throat and I pull her close so she can feel my lips on her ear when I say it. “It’s over that was goodbye. Your partner better not come near me, you better not come near me. I will fucking hurt you if come anywhere near Carmen!” And I push her away and walk out of the stall.

 

“You’re the one who’s going to live in regret Shane!!!!”

 

I go to the sink to wash her stink off me. I didn’t want to smell like a dirty cop. I hear her in the stall and she sounds like she’s crying. I go back to the bar. And get my bottle. I walk out the back way. I peek around front to see that Curt is gone. But Lazlo is still there. I go up to him and ask for a smoke.

 

“Hey Lazlo you got a smoke?”

 

“Yeah Shane I got one. Hey I saw you walk into the bathroom with that pig lady cop, what she wants?”

 

I walk over to my bike and get on. I take a hard swig of the bottle and throw it to him. As I pull out I tell him I as point to my crotch. “What we all want...” I hear him laughing as I ride off.

 

God I missed Carmen. I wanted to talk to her, smell her, and feel her. I left all the means to get in touch with her, well with her. I had no phone number all I had was her Mom’s address. Well I was bored enough I might as well take the ride out to L.A. I wanted to see how Carmen was doing I didn’t know what to expect when I pulled up to her Mom’s house. I revved the engine of my Ducati over and over till a light came on in her house. A shadow…a figure looked out at one of the windows… the light went out and I wasn’t sure who saw me. I light a smoke and hope it was Carmen.

 

A half hour later she came out of her Mom’s house. God I missed her………. She had all black on, tight black jeans, motorcycle boots and a black top. She ran over to me and kissed me hard on the mouth, her tongue sending spikes and shivers all through me. Her skin was wet; I guess she just got out of the shower. Her hair was damp on my arm. I felt her breasts over her top. My pulse was racing; nothing in the world mattered…

 

“God I missed you...” She said.

 

“I know. You wanna go for a ride and hang out or something?”

 

“Yeah… I have good news to tell you, Havoc called me; he is in Tijuana he won’t be back for a week.”

 

“We have a week?” I asked

 

“Yeah baby we have a week.”

 

“Well let’s not waste any time!”

 

She climbed on, her breasts against my back her hands around my waist her lips on my neck…. We rode around looking for a place to hang and we settled on this place in WeHo called Milk. There were a lot of women there. And we could go unnoticed by either of our crews. The music was ok mostly dance and trance. I parked in the ally next door. They didn’t do weapon’s searches in this place which was good; I’d feel weird without my heat. We walk in and heads are turning at the sight of us together. I put my arm around her and we went to the bar for some shots of Patron. She ordered JC but I told her Patron was better.

 

I laughed to myself as she sat on the bar stool, this was our first date.

 

When the shots come Carmen has this look on her face like she’s late for an appointment or something. I try to take her mind off it by sprinkling some salt on her very naked shoulder and licking it off. I gulp down the shot and it doesn’t burn. She takes a slice of lime and holds it between her teeth. I meet her mouth and suck. She is sitting on a bar stool her back to the bar and I am standing between her legs. She returns the favor with the salt and her tongue except I don’t have a naked shoulder so she licks it off my wrist. Lucky for me it wasn’t the one that was near Alice. It was my turn to look serious. She did that thing with my hair that made me feel like a kid. Then she rested her hand on my cheek, she lightly traced the scabbing cut on my chin. Then she started to kiss me.

 

The music, the Patron her mouth. I was in a good place with her. We decided to hit the dance floor.

 

The music of course slowed down as soon as we hit the floor. The song was slow but it had a lot of bass. We just stared at each other feeling the beat pulse through us. I wasn’t much of a dancer, so I let her dance around me. She ran her hands all over her body. She moved to the beat. She swayed her hips dancing in and out of my space; she was to the left of me, then to the right. Her ass grazing my hands, as she bent down to feel my leg right up to where my body begged to be touched. She spun around at the very last second to kiss my neck, the next song that came on was a bit faster but it didn’t matter we were in a full on make session on the dance floor.

 

I opened my eyes a couple of times and I swore we were making all the women there really hot. Its ok I thought and went back to feeling Carmen up. I wanted to fuck her right there on the floor of this place, but I didn’t think she would go for it. So instead we kissed… for now. After an hour of this I was beat, needed another drink. I told her to stay out and show everyone what they couldn’t have and went back to the bar and had a couple more shots when my cell phone rang. It was Lazlo.

 

“Yo Shane you should come outside” he said.

 

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“You in the club yeah?”

 

“You, how do know where I am?”

 

“Come on out so we can talk.” He said then hung up.

 

He followed me……He knows about Carmen…….This is getting stupid...

 

I walk over to Carmen and I tell her I’ll be right back. She smiles and keeps on dancing with a leggy blonde. When I get outside I see Lazlo by my bike. No one else is around.

 

“Hey Ma, so you and Morales heh?

 

“Lazlo-”

 

“It’s ok I no tell boss man. Word is he’s on the way outta town. you hear anything? Me I hear things all the time. I hear that you and little boss may be up to things. I no say where I hear them, but I hear a lot things….”

 

Help me I am in hell……..

 

“What do you want Lazlo?”

 

“I loyal, he says with his broken English. “I honest with you. I was there, saw what you do to Fast Eddie I know. Its ok I won’t say a thing. I got you back. I just want you to know that I no get lost, I on your side always Shane. You a crazy chica. I like crazy. We take them all out you, me, little boss we start new group heh? But I tell you. Big boss he knows things, little things big things. Just want to tell you. Your father, I loyal to him and I loyal to you. You have fun con tu Bonita. She, your woman…… te amo mucha….”

 

And he walks away just like that. 

 

And all I can think is that the fabric was tearing, it was far beyond repair…being here with Carmen ……. Fuck it I didn’t care.


	14. I don't believe

I stand outside of Milk, thinking did Mark say something to Lazlo? Did Curt have me followed because he knows I am? I don’t know, dating Carmen? Have I slipped up? Why didn’t I check if I was being tailed? I light a smoke thinking some more. The flame burned down to my finger to snap me out of it. I walk back in and I see that the blonde is all over Carmen. My blood boiled again for the second time tonight I felt like hurting someone and the feeling didn’t go away, and things got a little out of hand.

 

So I walk over the music blaring, bodies everywhere. The blonde she is trying to get Carmen to kiss her. But Carmen backs away toying with her. The blonde on the other hand choose to place her hands on Carmen’s hips then they roamed to her ass and that’s when I cut in. So I step between them and Carmen is happy to see me. The blonde on the other hand…. 

 

“Excuse me we are dancing here.” The blonde yells

 

“No you were dancing…past tense.”

 

“Come on Shane we are just dancing….” Carmen yells.

 

“No you had your hands all over my girl….”

 

“She’s with you?” She says as she looks me up and down. “She can do better.”

 

“What did you say?” I asked.

 

“I said…She. Can. Do. Better.” The blonde says with a level of snide I hadn’t heard in a while.

 

Was it stress? Was it jealousy? Was it some rich bitch telling me I am not good enough? Who knows but she set me off so I pull my shirt up and take my gun out and stick it in her face. The music is so loud that no one responds at first. The blonde though has lost all control of herself. She is screaming and crying saying “ohmygodohmygodohmygod!!!” She doesn’t move. Carmen tries to grab my arm to pull me away but I pull it back and hold my gun in both hands.

 

“So tell me again how I am not good enough! Come on, say something!”

 

“Jesus Christ! Shane what the fuck!?" Carmen says as she drags me outside.

 

I tuck my gun back under my shirt. My adrenaline was pumping. We walk into the alley and I was laughing…. “God did you see the look on her face, I swear she must have peed herself.”

 

“Shane what the hell is wrong with you? She asked.

 

“What?”

 

“Shane…look at me. You pulled a gun on some chic in a lesbian bar. My god we aren’t home anymore. They don’t settle things like that here…” She leaned on my bike. She was so sexy in her rationality.

 

 

“Carmen… I am sorry. I had a hard night. Please forgive my jealousy.”

 

“Shane this isn’t funny….God Shane come here, what happen we were having a great time then you went out and came back in all intense again.. What’s going on?”

 

 

“I can’t tell you right now…”

 

“…You still don’t trust me?” 

 

“What are you talking about?” 

 

“You don’t trust me.”

 

“How can you say that after what I told you about Pop and Fast Eddie? Carmen you’re the only person I…”

 

Why was this so fucking confusing? What the fuck are we talking about?

 

“You know Shane I think you should take me home.”

 

So I get really close to her. The closeness was clearly making her very uncomfortable.

 

“Is it this?” I point to the gun under my shirt.

 

“Yeah Shane it’s that, it’s a million things…..I want to go home.”

 

“Where’s that huh Carmen? Where do you live?”

 

“You know that I live with Havoc…”

 

"No I didn’t know that.”

 

“I’ve been living with him for a couple of weeks…”

 

“Come on you don’t want to go home…”No change in her stance, serious face on. “Come on...” I pout. “The night is young...” I lean closer and whisper it in her ear.

 

“Where do you want to go?” She asked kissing my neck.

 

“Anywhere …. We can go back to my place…. No we can’t it’s too hot around there lately. “

 

“I know a place….can I drive?

 

“You probably should I am really wasted.” I told her.

 

So she climbs on my bike me behind her, my arms around her waist. I had to admit it was weird being back here. I didn’t care. She revved the engine and we shot out of the alley like a bullet. She hit the gas and we were gone. In and out of traffic she weaved, she rode like a demon. We hit at least 145 on the 405. I was afraid for my life. I closed my eyes and hoped for the best… this girl knew what she was doing on a motorcycle though.

 

We ride for a while couldn’t say how long cause time sort of stopped. We finally get off the highway and pull into some industrial section. We pull up to this auto shop and I see the colors for The Outsiders painted on the gate of the shop. There’s no one around and the shop is closed almost looks abandoned. She pulls up in back of the shop, and parks. She gets her keys out and opens the garage door. She tells me to bring it in and I ride the ten more feet to park inside. She kills the lights and hits the lever for the garage door to close.

 

She takes me by the hand and we walk up a couple flights of stairs in the dark mind you. Till we get to this loft. She dims the lights a bit as we step inside. It was a decent loft not too much different than mine. The more I look around the more I see it’s almost just like mine. Except it has a velvet couch and I have leather. Havoc, this had to be one of his shops…

 

“So this is your man’s place huh?” I asked.

 

“Don’t talk you’ll spoil the moment, come here.”

 

I stood where I was.

 

“Come on Shane…… please come here…..”

 

I stood where I was. I didn’t like the idea of being in “his” home.

 

“Ok how about if …If I make it easy….” She starts by taking of her boots…first left then right….” If you come here I’ll let you take the rest of….”

 

Now this was getting interesting, but I didn’t move an inch.

 

 

“Ok… need more huh? Slowly she inched her top up and over her head. The softness of her skin….the curves of her hips…the slope of her neck…I took a deep breath but I didn’t move. She ran her hands over her breasts, her nipples hard against her bra. I knew what they felt like when they were that hard. She had this sinister look in her eye like she was up to no good. I licked my lips. The blood was pounding in my head, I was hot, or was it hot in the room?

 

“Please Shane,” she moaned “please help me take this off?” I didn’t know what to do so I just stood there. She unhooked her bra from behind and this beautiful site of her naked full, breasts was like short circuiting my brain. She rubbed her nipples between her fingers. I was getting wetter as the seconds ticked on. I wondered if the pulse between her legs was as hard the pulse between mine. Fuck this… I walk over to her and kiss her, that molten lava of her tongue rolling in my mouth, I take my shirt off and push her away for a second so I put my gun on the table behind her.

 

She still has her jeans on, this won’t do I think to myself. I unbutton them as she sucks on my neck biting and kissing rubbing my head anything to distract from me pulling her jeans off….I finally got the zipper down and I pull them down kissing flesh as I see it. I look up at her and she seems wanton and wild…. She steps up and out and is finally released from her Levi’s. I lick and kiss my way up her panties I feel the hot dampness thru them.

 

My hands cupped on her ass for support her hands on head. I breathe her in hook her panties around my fingers and slowly drag them down…….. “This is mine isn’t it? I ask her then I lick her lips, gently biting her clit. I move away and look up at her. Her face is scrunched up. But she is nodding her head. “Yeah I know….” I tell her before I turn her around. I kiss her back I bite her ass gently. “I wannn….I wannnt” she moans.

 

“Tell me…. Tell me what you want” I tell as her I kiss the scars on her back.

 

 

“I want you to fuck me.”

 

I turn her around and pull her close to me the feel of our breasts together her skin on my skin… “I want to lick too much…” I tell her. “Please Shane don’t make me beg……pleasepleaseplease fuck me.”

 

I point to the love seat against the wall and we kiss our way over stumbling over clothes and things… I sit on loveseat and I pull her so straddles me. Her breasts up to neck they felt really hot against me. We kissed my tongue is in a fight with her tongue. She grabbed my fingers and pushed them inside her. She doesn’t move I don’t move. She has this magical look in her eye, like she is free. I will never get tired of feeling her this way…tight and wet… I tell her.

 

“When I am inside you like this, I try not to worry about all the things I do when I’m by myself.”

 

“Shane……..”

 

We kiss as I fuck her, she rocks back and forth up and down left and right it seem like she’s all over. I whisper all kinds of nonsense in her ears, I lick her ear in between in whispers. I lick the sweat from her neck. I feel the spikes of her nipples on my tongue as I lick one then the other. When she comes. It’s hard. She’s not a screamer…she’s a scratcher, I love the feel of her nails digging into my flesh.


	15. Love will tear us apart

Carmen was winning the battle between my legs.

 

We made it to the bedroom for more room roam each other’s bodies. I wanted to fuck her all night but she wouldn’t let me. Once she was done coming down from her orgasm her assault on my senses took over. Both her hands cupping my tits, her thumbs running circles on my nipples. Her tongue in my mouth, my eyes felt cross eyed. I was so hot and everything in between felt heavy. She whispered in my ear that we need more room and so she led the way to the bedroom, his and her bedroom I thought bitterly. I focused instead on her ass as it guided me to the room of doom.

 

I went for her again in the doorway, feeling angry and frustrated by the fact that even though he wasn’t here and we were together…well I still felt him here trying to control me through her. She on the other hand seemed to sense my unrest. When I tried to grab her she just countered it like Bruce Lee or something. She grabbed my arm before I even got to her and pushed me on the mattress. I leaned up on my elbows wowed at how strong she was.

 

“You’re very sexy when you’re helpless.” She said.

 

I just nodded. She climbed on the bed like a panther or better yet a jaguar, her muscles showing in her every movement. She climbed up on me and went for my jeans. I tried to kiss her but she just backed away. She unbuttoned then lowered my zipper. She told me to lay back so she could pull them down so I did what I was told. Her hair was tickling my skin she made me nervous, despite, the fact that we weren’t new to this with each other.

 

One leg then the other. She wasn’t gentle and I was grateful. She spread my legs and settled in between them. I loved the feel of her like this. She moved slow first just trying to set a tempo. She was fussing over how she couldn’t get the right angle so I helped her by curling my leg around her waist, and there it was that hot contact. She kissed me and I tried to touch as much of her as I could, her breasts crushing on me the sweat of her dripping on me, my hands grabbing handfuls of sheets. She put her fingers in my mouth and I sucked them, she was just getting me warmed up... she stopped moving and I moaned in protest till I felt her fingers two then three….. I couldn’t help it I cried out it was that good... “ahhhgodgodgodgodCarramahhhh” when I came it took me by surprise. My eyes fluttering….my toes curling it was……intense… “You…win… I am yours.’ Is what I told her my breathing barely catching up with my words. The blackness in my mind turned white. She wasn’t finished though. She kissed me soft all down my body as I laughed about how it felt….then I felt her mouth on me helping me ride out the wave till it broke and I came again, her mouth taking it all in.

 

 

She met my mouth with salty kisses we kissed till I caught my breath. It was quiet in the room…….still. I didn’t know what time it was. I heard the birds chirping. Carmen was tired and so was I.

 

*

 

We slept.

 

It was the afternoon when I woke up. Her arms wrapped around my waist her head resting on my stomach. I pried myself lose from her and missed the heat her body gave me. I got up and put my jeans on and looked around the room for a blanket. I didn’t find one till I checked the closet. I opened it up shaking it loose and placed it on her. She smiled a little and pulled me on top of her. We laughed. I kissed her good afternoon.

 

 

“Mmmmmm come back to bed...’ She moaned.

 

“Oh baby… don’t talk like that…we may never leave here.” I told her in between kissing her.

 

“You hungry? I am.”

 

“God I am starving… I think there’s some stuff in the kitchen if not we can get dressed and go somewhere to eat.” She said.

 

I didn’t want to stay here longer than I had to.

 

”Let’s go somewhere to eat …how about The Planet the chef there is really good and I know the lady who owns the place she’ll give us the best table in the house…........something wrong?” She looked so upset like all the blood drained from her face.

 

“I’ll go get dressed.” She got up and stormed right past me. 

 

“Carmen wait tell me what’s wrong?” I asked.

 

“Why do you want to go there?” She looked intently on me.

 

“Because the food is good and because I want to take you somewhere nice and far away from Bakersfield. I don’t understand why are you so pissed?” 

 

“Forget it….” And she went out to get her clothes.

 

 

 

I don’t get her sometimes.

 

I get dressed while she is in the bathroom. I waited for her come out. I was just tucking my gun under my shirt when she came out. “There’s stuff for you to clean up with I’ll be outside.”

 

I walk into the bathroom they share and I am shocked to see how fucking domesticated it is. It’s so fucking quaint in here. His and her sinks and towels. I go look into his cabinet…standard stuff, didn’t think the secrets to beating him without joining him where going to be found in here. I go over to her sink and see her rows of perfumes and such. I use her toothbrush which was wet from her just using it. I pour some mouthwash on it then rinse it off. I looked at myself in the mirror my hair a mess but not messier than usual. My eyes was bright for once I didn’t have those dark circles under them. Despite the tantrum she just had I was still happy to be with her. I gargled with some mouth wash and then I brushed my teeth. I washed my face and put some of her Degree on.

 

 

I see her leaning on my bike, god it makes me so hot to see her like that. I come up behind her and she was startled. “God Shane what the fuck!!”

 

“Ok tell me now what’s got you so upset?”

 

“That place The Planet that’s where you took that tennis chic…”

 

 

“That’s why you’re mad… you what think I want to get back with her or something… I’m telling you who from either of our crews is going to look for us in gay West Hollywood. Come on baby don’t be that way…. I told you how I felt about you…I haven’t changed my mind……I’ll let you drive again….” I kissed her neck and she laughed that beautiful laugh again. I gave her the keys. And watched her climb on my bike. I think maybe I will give it her. I climb behind my little hellcat and I kiss her neck and she turns a little and I kiss her chin.

 

She revved the engine and we are gone

 

*

 

 

The Planet.

 

 

A place that’s sunny, warm, hip and happening. Nothing at all like Bakersfield. I look around for Kit but I don’t spot her. My favorite table was open, so no worries. We make our way to the open garden like area and take the table in back. It feels like we are on island unto ourselves with all the trees and plants out here. Carmen looks less than thrilled. She has that I’m late for an appointment look to her again. A waitress comes over and hands us some menus and pours some water in a tall glasses. I reach for it and drink down, I was so thirsty. I even drank Carmen’s …she didn’t mind. I look over the menu and settled for breakfast special number three. Carmen just wants toast and grapefruit. The waitress takes our order and leaves in rush.

 

I see Kit and call her over.

 

“Hey Shane, wow it’s been a while since you came around…. you two are together wow haven’t seen you in an even longer time” Kit says glancing from me to Carmen.

 

 

I was confused.

 

“Hey Kit long time no see.” Carmen says.

 

“Don’t mean to be nosy but what happen to the tall English lady you always came in here with?”

 

Tall English lady…what the fuck is she talking about?

 

“You mean Helena…she died last year…..killed by a drunk driver……”

 

“Oh my god baby I am so sorry…..you two were so good together…I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to upset you, honey are you ok?” Kit says

 

I don’t even know what to say. So I sit and watch them talk.

 

“No I am ok…I am with Shane now…and we are really happy…”

 

“Well I hope you get the bastard I know that….”

 

“Um Kit I don’t mean to be rude but Shane and I have some things to talk about.” Carmen says.

 

“Oh baby I am so sorry again. Shane you be good to this girl she is as sweet as they came and in her line of work and all….’

 

Her line of work?

 

Kit walks away and I get up to have a smoke.

 

“Hey where are you going?” Carmen asked.

 

“I don’t know…why are you always lying to me?

 

 

 

“I didn’t lie I just didn’t tell you about Helena.”

 

“Is that why you didn’t want to come here because you knew Kit would remember you? And what did she mean about your line of work?”

 

“Please just sit down….please.” She points to the chair I was sitting in.

 

“It was a long time ago….”

 

“It was a year ago, Mark was right……you are not what you seem.”

 

“I deserve that. Look I didn’t want to talk about it it’s fucked up and painful… and she was the love of my life and some asshole ran her down like she was nothing… what do you want me to say…. It has nothing to do you with or even me. It has nothing to with us…..”

 

“So you were a dancer and she had no problem with that.”

 

“I became a dancer afterwards…. I needed the money. Her mother refused to acknowledge me and I had nothing….”

 

“She had money?”

 

“Yeah… Helena Peabody had a lot of money now…,” Heavy sigh. A shake of her head, her lips trembled just a bit. Then it was gone. This shroud of darkness in its place. “Now she has nothing...” Our food came and we ate in silence. Helena Peabody was as rich as they came. She has a hospital in her name I should know, when I got stabbed it’s where they fixed me up.

 

“I am sorry........ Did they ever catch the fucker who ran her down?”

 

“Not yet.” She said rather cryptically.

 

*

 

Our first day away from Havoc was in the shitter. I should have listened to her and not have come here…then again she probably never would have said anything about it had I gone somewhere else. I pay and leave a tip. She was outside and looked very upset. My heart was breaking seeing her this way. We were never coming back here.

 

“I mean he just ran her down didn’t even stop….” She cried really hard and I hugged her it was all I could do. I took Carmen home. She was pretty upset after what happened at The Planet. She just went in and didn’t say goodbye. I am about to pull out of the drive when I get a call from Mark.

 

“Where the fuck are you?

 

“Who the fuck are you talking too?”

 

“Goddamnit Shane, Lazlo is fucking dead!!!”

 

“What!!!”

 

“You better get back home now!” He hung up.

 

 

You know that song about the ring of fire? Well it wasn’t even close to how shitty my life was becoming…I ride hard back to Bakersfield. I was so tired of how this shit was forming all around me. All I wanted a was a normal life, I just didn’t know it till it was too late. I call Mark to ask him where to meet he said at The Roadhouse.

 

I pull up to the parking lot and there are cops everywhere. I see Alice and I don’t know why but I knew she killed him. It was the way she smirked at me. Winking and everything. They have him loaded him up and I see the familiar corner van pulling away.

 

Curt and Mark waved me over.

 

 

 

“What the fuck happened?” I asked.

 

“No one knows” Christy says.

 

I turn to go over to Alice but Mark pulls me back. “Not now Shane, not now.”

 

She comes over though. 

 

“You all really should move along……there’s nothing to see here…….” She laughs and her partner laughs and it seemed the whole dept. laughed. What did they care? Lazlo was a career criminal, just another dirt bag off the streets.

 

“Where the fuck have you been?” Curt asked.

 

“Around! I was here last night…” I snapped.

 

“Yeah well today’s a new fucking day and we are a man short….” I don’t have time for this shit…. “Hey where the fuck are you going now to fuck your bimbo?” Curt was working my last nerve. I turn back to him….”You know he was my boy too Curt…” And I get back on my bike and head to my place…I knew Alice was waiting…

 

I get back home …. No Alice.

 

I needed a drink and I needed one really bad. A couple of minutes later Mark is at the door with a bottle of Grey Goose.

 

 

“Hey, you want to a drink.” He says

 

 

 

“Hell yeah.”

 

He walks in and I am happier to see him then I realize. I hug him like when we were kids. He opens the bottle and we drink straight from it.

 

“You know I fucked her last night in the bathroom at The Roadhouse.”

 

“Carmen?” he says

 

“No that cop Pieszecki”

 

 

 

 

“Why in the fucking hell would you do that?”

 

“It’s a long story.” I tell him in between swigs.

 

“Now what?”

 

“What the fuck do you mean, now what we can't get even with a cop Mark are you out your mind?”

 

“Maybe we don’t have to maybe….The Outsiders can do the work for us.”

 

“You know what Mark don’t talk about this in front of me I don’t want to know.”

 

My phone rings and its Carmen thank god…..

 

“Hey you ok…” I ask her walking away from Mark’s busy ears.

 

“Yeah, look how about I meet you half way so you don’t have ride all the way back ……I need to see you and-” She says

 

“Sure just tell me where you want to meet”

 

Mark has that I'm making a mistake look on his face. For someone who worked so hard to get us in the same room he sure has changed his song about her.

 

“Ok I’ll meet you there”

 

I hang up with her I had time and a couple of questions for him.

 

“So you heard about Havoc?”

 

“What about him?” he asked

 

“So you don’t know?”

 

“Know what? What are you talking about?”

 

“He’s in Tijuana”

 

“Shane are you high?”

 

“No Carmen told me he’s in Tijuana.”

 

He didn’t know where Havoc was.

 

“Well I am not the boss of him…”

 

“No he just wants to be the boss of you…….what are you going to do about this….because Lazlo followed me last night when I went out with Carmen….he knew about us Mark….he told me he had my back….then the next day he’s dead and you don’t know shit do you? You know Mark whatever game you’re playing leave me out of it ok…..”

 

“Shane… I am telling you the truth…. he followed you? Shane do you think there’s any chance that Havoc killed him….I am telling you he’s not in fucking Tijuana there’s no way……..did Carmen tell you he was in-”

 

“I don’t want Carmen in the middle of this shit….”

 

“It’s way to fucking late for that now………what else did Lazlo say?”

 

 

 

“He said that your dad knows something…he just kept saying he had my back… which no one else seems to lately” I left the room to shower and change I told him to get the fuck out of my house.

This was like Hamlet.

It’s the one fucking piece of school work I ever did. None of this made sense. I stare at myself in the mirror trying to figure out what was going on. The water didn’t help. None of this made any sense. Mark was lying, Carmen was lying, Lazlo was dead, Curt was not happy, and Havoc either was or wasn't in Tijuana. Mark made a deal with a fucking criminal master mind it felt like.

 

I meet Carmen at the half way point. We are standing in the Wendy’s parking lot just off the highway.

 

“I can’t see you anymore.”

 

It’s all she says. 

 

She gets back in her car and drives off.


	16. Wish

11 months later

 

The first twenty four hours away from her I spent looking for her.

I don’t know why I let her leave. I don’t know why I didn’t try to talk to her or reason with her. I guess maybe it was the way she looked at me, like she was doing me a favor. The truth was I did not know this woman. I didn’t know anything about her. Her favorite color? I never asked. The only thing I knew about her was how I was really fucked up in love with her.

I went to her Mom’s house but she was not there. I knocked and knocked and no answer. I picked the lock and looked around, nothing it was like no one lived here. No pictures on the walls no food in the cabinets no beds in the bedroom. Did she move? I called Mark and asked him where she went. He said he didn’t know. He was lying he knew where she was. He told me to focus on other things. He said maybe I should move on. He hung up on me. I called him back and I asked was she with him, he just hung up on me again.

I went home and got really fucking drunk, stumble on the floor drunk. I was really fucked up by this. I put that song Pop use to play when he thought about Mom.

”Just what the truth is…..I can’t say anymore….cause I’ll love you , yes I’ll love you oh how I’ll love you.”

Pop loved The Moody Blues. He would get piss drunk and cry about Mom. He would lock his bedroom door and then this song would be on repeat and I always knew what it meant. I always wanted to ask him if he was sorry about what he did to her. But I never did. Would Carmen feel bad about what she did to me? Of course it wasn’t as extreme as Pop but it fucking hurt.

That was the beginning of me thinking crazy things about her. My suspicions of her true identity. Well if I was right we were all gonna be fucked. Me in particular given what she knew about me. It wasn’t possible. She would have locked me up if it were true. I mean I admitted to her that I killed someone. Cops have to arrest you if you admit to murder right? I didn’t know. But it was a possibility. It was the way she told Kit that we needed to be alone. Like Kit was gonna blow up her spot. I could have asked Kit, but I didn’t want to know. I was torn between wanting to see her. And wanting to run as far as I could.

 

I didn’t run.

I needed answers. I couldn’t ask Mark if she was a DT. He would have killed her or had Havoc do it. Then she would be dead for no reason. Just the mention that you were a DT and you were dead. What if I was wrong? No drink more. Don’t think about her, don’t try to make sense of all her lies. Get laid fuck some more. Drink some more. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t cry about missing her…You’re weak I told my reflection in every mirror I saw. You’re a crying waste… Get laid drive fast. Try to wire that Porsche there on the corner. 

That last thing she said…

“Did they ever catch the fucker?”

“….not yet…”

It echoed in my head. And that was my life. I hopped on that online encyclopedia and did a search on Helena Peabody. Very sexy. Long dark hair. Daughter of a rich chic. Gave money to charity, worked with other Richie’s to save the world. Came out two years ago. No picture of her lover. Died last year. Killed by a reckless driver, possibly drunk, who never stopped. She was just crossing the street. Nothing about Carmen. Case was still unsolved. After reading that I thought maybe that’s what she meant by not yet.

Maybe I was just being dramatic because I felt bad about Pieszecki buying it. I drank some more. Carmen being a cop was just too weird. She was keeping something from me. She followed me around for Mark and Havoc, she admitted as much…but there was more. I was thinking in the wrong direction. I didn’t stay on that train of thought too long. I was too busy missing the feel of her on my skin. The smell of her after we made love. I couldn’t focus on one thought to the next.

I drank some more. And life went the way it did before I met her. Except, I was not part of life anymore. I was just watching it from the sidelines. I couldn’t function. I was useless on runs. They guys would ask me to keep watch and I would walk off for a smoke. Or drink if a bar was near. They stopped asking. Months went by like this not even Mark was around half the time. Curt came down hard on me always asking where was Mark and why did I not know. Where were the parts? The cars? The money from the purses I should have been winning? Just what the fuck was going on? I had no answers for him.  
I smashed up my bike because I thought I saw her car on the highway. Mark came to see me in the hospital I didn’t even know he knew I was alive anymore that’s how I little I’ve seen of him lately.

“This about Carmen?” He asked.

I stare at him.

“They say you have a concussion, what does that feel like?”

“It feels like I am under water…” There’s a beat of silence so heavy. 

“Your girl… Carmen…she is with Havoc. He had some more pressing business and he wanted to show off his prize. I didn’t tell you because I knew you would do something stupid and I was surprised that you felt so strong about it….her.”

 

Stupid what did Mark know about stupid he was the last person who should be talking about stupid. “You mean like selling out Slayer X, you mean like having someone merc that lady cop and her partner, you mean like kill Lazlo? Is that what you mean?” I was really fucking groggy.

“Lower your voice…..what’s going on here is bigger than Lazlo and two dirty cops…. Havoc has got some serious things lined up that’s gonna make us a lot of money…..you like money right Shane?” Besides you wanted those cops taken care of you just didn’t have the stomach to admit it.”

“How about blood how much is that worth? Your dad’s blood is worth a lot too you right? How long does Curt have before you cap him too? Or what about me? Why am I still here?”

He looks wounded.

“Shane you’re my best friend. I could never… this is the business only the strong survive…..you use to believe in this, what happened to you? You fall for a chic and then you become soft. What happened to the Shane with no fear…the Shane who raced on the train tracks, the Shane who did what needed to be done? Have you seen yourself lately you’re fucking useless? You drink and party and that’s it!” He was yelling at me and my head hurt, he wasn’t done talking. “Look you want to see her right?”

“You know where she is?”

“Havoc is having a home coming party he wants to see you. She wants to see you-”

“She told you that or he told you to tell me that?”

“Well he said she missed you. I haven’t seen her. Next week at this address. Get better…. And try to get your shit together this is only gonna work if I have you working the way you use to…” 

He left the room.

What the hell did I care about this business? I don’t even know how I so deep in this shit. What were they up to the three of them? They each had their own agenda. I was at the center of it. Then there was seeing her. Instead of drinking and driving I should have been trying to figure out what the fucking hell was going on. Why did Lazlo get tapped? Was it because we were close? Why did someone or multiple someone’s kill Pieszecki and her partner? The heat on us lately was unreal. One chirp of your tires and you had flashers all over you. It was a hurricane in my brain trying to figure this all out. Well it was too late for this too late. I should have been doing my job. I should have been keeping my crew safe. But instead I walked around with this sad soundtrack stuck on repeat. The song was called I missed Carmen and want to die.

Maybe Mark had a point.

Carmen.

I was gonna see her. It’s been almost a year. I try not to fall asleep.

 

*

 

I had a week to get my shit in order.

I needed a new bike. I didn’t want to race Johnny’s, figured I had a good trade in. Had my eye on this sweet Triumph Thruxton 900. Went to my boy’s Ricky’s and he hooked me up. Gave me a nice racing package for next to nothing. He told me that things were getting muddy. He asked me if there was truth to the rumors floating around. I told him that I didn’t do rumors and to keep his eyes open. I wanted the colors of my crew sprayed on my bike. And he hooked me up. He told me to hold onto Johnny’s bike till the work was done in couple of days.

Had the ink colored in on the tattoo I had been getting to try to keep my mind off of Carmen. A huge piece on my back. It was the skull from the Deftones last album with the blue and red roses, I choose black and orange. The work was almost done. I had a few more visits what slowed it down was the healing time but it killed the hurt of not seeing her and made me feel loyal despite the fact that everyone around me was not.

I hadn’t really seen Mark since he visited me in the hospital.

It was Thursday and the party was tomorrow. The week went by faster than I wanted. I was anxious about seeing her. My bike was ready. I got the call and decided to take it out for a test drive. I hit the highway dipping in and out of traffic. I pushed it as hard as it would go. I felt good for once in a long while. I shouldn’t really, especially with all the doubt in my mind about Carmen. I didn’t know if she was gonna be happy to see me. The wind from going 165 was making it easier to deal with.

*

Mark wanted me to ride with him but I really didn’t want to. I pull up to the address. 1149 Wheeler Dr. As soon as I walk in a tray of drugs was passed to me. I declined. There were people everywhere. It really wasn’t a party for The Outsiders all the people who were there I didn’t really recognize. The more I roamed the more I saw that no Outsiders were here. Where were they? I look around for the bar. I order my drink and gulp it down I order three more just to kill the uneasiness I was feeling. Something about this felt wrong. Mark wasn’t here. Havoc wasn’t here. And Carmen wasn’t here. I waited around for another hour turning down more drugs and more girls and oddly enough a couple of guys. I had a bad feeling and I was I on my way out when the cops bust the party up. I was on the tenth floor fire escape by the time they got to where I was standing. Lights were flashing, cars where crashing to get away from them. I parked my bike a block down for reasons just like this. I was running toward it when I heard a voice yelling out to me.

“Oye, remember me?” The ugly dude yelled. The flashing lights spinning all around him.

I get on my bike as he reached for his gun, he pops off three shots as I gun my engine. I hear cops all around yelling about where the shots were coming from. I point to the street to challenge him. He nods and runs to his car. I start up and head in the other direction.

This was the thrill I was missing.

I had him on the open road, no cops to distract us. He tries to bump me off my bike but I move to the left. He tries to shoot me while driving but that only works in the movies. I head down the wrong way into traffic and he actually followed me. I am dodging cars and he is bashing into them. I see the headlights of a huge semi-truck and take a hard right He doesn’t or he couldn’t move fast enough and just a fast as the chase started it was over. I pull off to the side of the road to make sure he is dead. The whole front end of his Mazda was in the back end.

 

“Go with god…” The truck driver says. I nod and head home.

 

*

That was a trap.

My answering machine was blinking when I walk in.

 

“If you’re still alive then you passed, if you got caught then your useless, you better be alive. You know where to meet. Think 8 seconds.” The voice was Havoc’s. I pull into the parking lot of The Roadhouse. The fucking nerve of this fucking guy. Right on our own turf. I walk in not knowing what to expect. As soon as I walk in a slew of guns are stuck in my face.

 

“Shane! My goodness you’re a fucking machine. Is there anything you can’t do?” Havoc asks. “Please come in, drink, eat, the whole place is ours tonight.”

Curt is tied to a chair and Mark is sitting next to him with a gun trained on him. Carmen is nowhere to be seen. Curt glares at me. “Don’t this was not her doing. It was hers!” Mark points to Carmen. She is leaning on the mechanical bull her face blank unreadable. She has no reaction to me. I shake my head. Mark gets up from his chair and leans into Curt. “You see dad, Shane was so loyal to this group that we needed to motivate her. Now me on the other hand well your constant demeaning, the fact that you never let me do anything other than what you told me… well fuck you dad. But don’t be mad at Shane!”

“What the fuck Mark?” I ask.

“Shane I told you we are moving up. And dad is going to die. I thought you would like to know that dad had Fast Eddie kill your father.”

 

What?

“Fuck are you talking Mark? I was there I saw what happened-”

“You little piece of shit. Shane I didn’t have anyone kill your father. You know this why would I take you in and not kill you. My son is a fucking lying little puke….” Curt yells and spits in Mark’s direction.

 

“Maybe because he was pissed at your dad for killing your mom. Maybe because he was in love with her. Maybe because he hated the fact that your dad was in charge.” Mark tells me. “It’s why he took you in, not for any reason other than your mother.”

I look over at Carmen this all had her attention. Curt is trying to tell me something but Mark wouldn’t let him.

“Shane we are like family you’re the only person who never judged me. You’re the only person who never treated me like Curt’s little boy.” Mark was really pissed at Curt. He cracks his dad in the face.

“This is all really touching…….Like a movie or something………….. Anyway Shane good job. You’re a piece of work. How do you do this? “Havoc asks.

“Shane you can’t let them kill me…” Curt says spitting blood on the floor.

“Carmen would you like to catch up with Shane I know you would. The two of you… ummm… just makes me sizzle. Shane you did good, really good. Why don’t you two take a walk? We have some things to talk over with Curt.” Havoc says.

“Shane look at me. I didn’t kill your father.” Curt pleads one last time.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. Tell Pop that I miss him…” I look at him then I look at Havoc and Mark. I was really confused about things. Havoc lived up to his name and looked really happy with everything that was happening. Carmen still looked like she wasn’t there. There was no one else in the room. She walked out first and I followed. She sat on the back seat of my Triumph and I wondered how she knew it was mine something was bugging me about this. But I didn’t want to say what it was at the time.

She has her arms around my waist. That familiar feel of her body. All of this seemed like it was worth it to feel this way. We ride for a while till my tank flashes like it’s almost empty. I take the next gas, food, and lodging sign I see. A Motel 8 and food and gas. I refill the tank as Carmen makes some calls and gets us a room. I wonder who she is calling. She still hasn’t said a word just walks in the direction of the motel. She comes back with a set of keys. She gets on the bike and we ride a few feet to the parking lot of the motel. I follow her lead to the room. She is holding my helmet like a teddy bear.

Room unlocked and we stepped inside. I had no idea where this was going. She takes my helmet and places it on the table in front of the window.

“So where have you-” She doesn’t let me finish the question. She just pulls me over to her.

We stare at each other. She traces the scar on my chin. It sent a shot straight to where it hurt the most. I ran my fingers over her lips. I smelled her hair as I leaned in to kiss her throat. She had these low moans it was getting to me. She drags me down with her and we fall into the mattress. There it was again that felling of déjà vu. She opens her mouth when I kiss her, and the struggle was on again. I feel this burning need for her. It was much more acute. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. What they don’t say is that it also makes you crazier and wetter and far more dangerous.

We peel each other’s clothes off. There wasn’t any warming up. We both knew what we had to do. She flips me over and now she is on top. I look at her but she closes my eyes for me. She grabs my hands and pushes them so they are on top of my head. She tells me not to move. She goes over to my jeans in heap on the floor and pulls off my belt. My breath hitches. She climbs back up on top of me and ties my hands over my head. I half expected an ice pick under the bed.

She knelt down in-between my legs and went to work. I couldn’t move. She didn’t want me to touch her I didn’t know why and at that moment with her tongue inside me I didn’t care. The longer it goes on the crazier I feel, I need to touch her…. I am trying everything to get this belt off my hands I wanted to touch her so bad, but my brain wouldn’t do two things at once. She moved my legs further apart, and rested them on her shoulders. Her fingers flicking my nipples right in time with the way her tongue was moving. I am counting in my head. 2+2 is 4+4 is 8. It wasn’t working. And I came hard, harder than I knew I could. I yelled fuck and shit and god and fuck again, there are million colors trickling down. She comes right behind me I open my eyes and see that she is working herself. I lean up at least to kiss her and she lets me, the feel of her shaking on me riding her own wave was fucking fantastic. I just couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t let me touch her.

“Carmen…”

“Shussssh, don’t spoil the mood.” She says as she undoes my belt. Her breasts touching my face. I suck on her nipples and she moans her approval. She lets me go having undone the belt. And my arms forgave her. We were all a tangle of limbs. I had her stretched out on the bed. I look her in the eye still seeing that look still thinking the same thing. She does love me. I tell her to move up so she is resting on the pillows. I wanted every piece of her. I lick her ankles run my mouth up her legs kissing every part of her. I kiss her thighs, her stomach, her breasts, her shoulders, she pulls me up so I meet her mouth. I love kissing her mouth so soft and luscious. She takes my head in her hands looking at me. “I missed you so much Shane, I thought about you every day.” She kisses me. It’s hot, her tongue is making those swirls. I breathe deep. “God Carmen where have been…..why you did……” She just kisses me to get me to stop talking.

I wanted to ask her why she left. I wanted to ask her why she stayed away from me for almost a year. I wanted to ask her a lot of things. She wouldn’t let me. Her hands roaming all over my back, her legs wrapped around my waist. I kissed her body for hours. It’s hotter and faster, we broke together screaming her hands tangled in my hair, her forehead touching mine. “I am really sorry Shane…” it was my turn to shush her. We kissed some more. She was surprised by the ink I had. “When did you do this?” Her hot hands running all over tracing the patterns. “I’ve been having it worked on since you left…I had to get you outta my head.” She just turns me completely over and she lays on top of me her breasts pressing into my back, her mouth kissing my neck. “Did it work?” She asked as she licked my neck. “No, I am here aren’t I.” Her hands make their way down and I feel her inside me from behind. The angle she hits is just right. With her other hand she rubs my clit to match her pushing in and in. She moves further down my back her tongue licking, her lips kissing. When I come it’s in waves. I mush my face in the pillow letting it all out. I can’t take it when she does things like this.

We sleep.

I had a dream. In the dream Havoc is watching Carmen and I make love. He is in the corner of the room and Mark has a gun pointed at us. Once Carmen comes she is gone. Then there are helicopters circling the house we are in. She is the pilot and she tells us that we all have the right to remain silent.

 

*

Motel 8.

I wake from the dream and she is gone. I knew this would happen. She didn’t want to answer any questions. She didn’t want to tell me anymore lies. I sit up in bed and look over to her side there’s a note.

 

You know we have to stop meeting like this. I have a million things to say to but I don’t know how. There is a part of me that is just for you. A part that no one will take. I wish…. I wish that I never met you. You effect my every thought. You made me feel again. What should have been a routine…forget me.

C

I should be use to her doing this. But it stung. Her words why did I let her in? No fucking way… I spent a year without her she wasn’t just gonna leave. I feel her pillow and it’s still sort of warm she couldn’t have left too long ago. I get dressed and head out leaving the key and a shouting attendant in my dash. I run to my bike and stop she is sitting on it, waiting.

 

“Hey…” She says.

“I got your note.”

“Yeah,” she runs her hands in her hair. “My note.”

“Whatever it is you can tell me but I know you won't. So how about you just tell me your favorite color and we can call it a day.”

She looks at me then laughs, her laughs quickly turning to tears. “It’s green. Almost the color of your eyes... my favorite color. We were in Mexico the last couple of months. Havoc had some things going and I went with him… I left because I love you and I shouldn’t…Half the time I can’t even say it in my head. I never thought I would feel again since Helena and um…I am not very good at saying how I umm feel. When she died I said never again…and…um then I saw you. And …what makes it worse is that….um…we didn’t meet the way we should have. And I was so busy self-destructing… trying to destroy myself that…I fell in with him…and his money and his life….and then I saw you…and I saw the way you were with Dana…yeah…and I saw someone who was very giving…but Helena dying only made me a taker…and lied and I lied and I lied and you still kept on giving…and you had this fucked up life…and you didn’t let it get you down….you just keep on ticking….and I didn’t want to.......... umm I didn’t want to drag you in my life. ….you see you’re lucky…you’re not attached to this world…you don’t have things clinging to you….you think you do but you don’t. You could disappear and I want to go with you I do…but there are things that I have to do. And until they are done…” She takes my hand and pulls me over to her. She looks me in the eye. And she says… “But I do love you.’ And we kiss. I could feel her need to get me to understand her vague attempt to tell me a truth I already knew. But I let it go. Her lies meant nothing to me if I couldn’t be around her.

So we rode around and found someplace to eat, this little Greek diner.

We talked about everything but the truth.

Her favorite movie believe it or night was Fight Club. Which was weird. But she said the movie set her free. She went on and on about the message of the movie was to find yourself and not to let your possessions define you. She smirked a little and said Helena Bonham Carter was sexy. I laughed. She wasn’t really my type. I told her my favorite movie was Mulholland Drive. I mean I can’t stand the way David Lynch tells a tale but I dug that movie. I told her I felt bad for the Naomi Watts character. And Laura Harring was super sexy. I leaned over the table as she was eating her fruit salad and I kissed her. I told her she was even sexier. Her mouth tasted like blueberries. We fought over who would pay. She won. 

 

“Can I drive?” She asks sizing up my new bike.

Of course my little hellcat.”

“Is that my nickname?”

“Do you like it? I figured maybe you’d like Tits Magee better.” I say manically laughing. She punches me lightly in the stomach.

“I like hellcat better… come here...” God I loved it when she said come here like that. It made my insides burn. She kisses me soft her lips opening just enough for me to get my tongue inside. “Where do you want to go?”

 

 

“I don’t know……I am ……I don’t know if I should bring it up…might spoil the mood.”

“You’re wondering about Curt and Mark right?” She asked

“Yeah….I don’t know this is all wrong you know. But I can’t stay away….from you….you are my everything.”

“You think it’s true about Curt and your dad-”

“I don’t know…does it matter?”

“I think it does.”

“Maybe he did….it wouldn’t surprise me. The thing about Curt was that he saw my mom first. And maybe he felt Pop stole her from him….I don’t know… that’s the past. What’s done is done. And Curt didn’t kill my dad Fast Eddie did. I was there Curt was not. And Curt is probably dead now anyway. I don’t know he took me in he gave me this life he’s not my maker so to speak but he kept me alive.”

“Then why would Mark say that?”

“I guess because maybe he thought it. Or maybe he wanted me on his side no matter what. He wanted Curt dead for whatever reason… think about it. If he and Havoc forced us to meet then lying about Curt and Pop maybe it’s not a stretch. Or maybe it’s true. And Mark thought he was doing me a favor…ugh…we should probably get back right?”

 

“In a while… I’ll drive, I want to feel this baby go.” Carmen says as she revs the engine. 

 

We ride back its dark again. She takes the turns on the road like a lunatic and I love it. I didn’t know where we were going. It looks like that shop she took us to a while ago. We stop and park and we head up the stairs. The place looks the same since the last time we were here.

 

“So you live here now huh?” I asked trying to hide the bitter feel.

“We live here…Havoc and me. He probably won’t be home for a while, He might have even came and left…who knows…he’s so busy dealing with your boss….” She says that as she starts to take her clothes off. I stand there getting weaker in the knee’s the more of her flesh that is revealed. She pulls me over to her…her skin is hot…really hot. She licks the scar on my chin, she runs her hands through my hair in a hypnotically slow movement. I feel her breath on my neck as she kisses her way to my jaw line. In my head I sing a song.

“I want a good job, I want to fall in love I want your broken pieces hand and glove, want to give it now want give you some broken pieces…”

 

*

Carmen is telling me no more like ordering me to sit up on my knees. I do it, and she pushes me till my back is almost touching their head board. The one she claims her head has never bumped in the throws with him, Havoc that is. I do it, my toes now touching the board more than my back. She is kissing my neck, my ear; she puts one knee between my legs, her kneecap brushing up again me. It’s hard and I want more but I don’t know how to ask or what to ask her to keep doing it. She drags her nail across my nipple and it burns really hot “That’s gonna draw blood you know.” I tell her. “Good”, she replies. “I want you to think about the feel of that (she digs a little harder) cause I can’t see you for a while.” I can’t think about that too long because she pushed her fingers inside of me and now I really can’t think. She is driving really hard and my head is banging on the board. She’s telling my ear how much she loves to watch me come. She’s pushing me to the edge and she knows it. My hands are grabbing the edge for leverage but I can’t find any. And I have had enough tired of her little game. I Grab her hand and push her away. I get on top of her and hold both of her ankles in my hands and ever so slightly grind my clit on her clit. Didn’t take us long we knew this game by heart…

Remember that? That’s where I started.

I look over at her in their bed. She is sleeping on her stomach. And I know why we can’t see each other, everything is up on the air, we don’t know where we stand in this mess we are in. The work Havoc was doing on my crew while I’m here in their bed. And the sneaking we did all in the beginning before I knew about their stupid plan. And the scars on her back….who knows? For all I know she could have done them to herself or had someone do it for her… Just look at her. All soft and silky could you blame me for falling for all her crap? I wouldn’t, it could have happened to anyone. And my heart tortures me just the fun when I look at her. I love to watch her sleep. She looks like all her cares don’t exist.

I want to leave but her warmth is dragging me under. I kiss her shoulder. l lick her shoulder. She moans in that low soft way of hers, it makes me so fucking hot. My body feeds off her sounds. I kiss her neck, the space behind her ears…she turns on her side to meet my mouth …..”Shane…..please……” It’s electric when she rubs my nipples. “Carmen…” I rub her nipples and she kisses that spot on my neck that she loves so much, she licks the small scar that we made when we fucked at Dana’s house. It’s her hands and my hands and tangled limbs and shattering when we come… and the worse thing was that when we looked at each we really saw it the thing between us...

 

A little bit of time passed. And I had to leave. Had to talk to Mark.

“Carmen…Carmen I’ll see you…be safe.”

“Shane… wait….just be careful….” She kisses me goodbye trying to get me not to leave.

“My little hellcat. You don’t have to worry…I’ll be ok……..you told me so.” She looks confused and I let her keep thinking. I walk out of their place and hop on my bike and head home.

 

*  
So I’m riding around, looking at everything one last time. I don’t know why but I don’t feel that my timeline is gonna last long. I parked my bike at Drummond County Park. And just look at normal people playing with their kids. I never thought about having kids. It’s just a thought that never popped into my skull. Kids on swings….kids on monkey bars…..they look like they are having a good time. My idea of a good time was taking things that didn’t belong to me. I get my phone and check for messages …none. I call Dana. I guess I just wanted to say goodbye to her and see if she was ok. But I get her voice mail. I don’t leave a message. I head home.

I am on alert ready for anything. Nothing...... no one was around. I head to Mark’s floor….not around. Something just doesn’t feel right about this. I head to my floor. I check all the rooms for intruders….no fucking anybody. What kind of hostile takeover was this? I turn the TV….and sure enough I see the news. "…murdered execution style…..both father and son where the one and two leaders of the infamous street racing gang know as Slayer X…..Once again Curtis Wayland and Mark Wayland found shot dead in a bar on the-.”

So it was like that after all… The phone is ringing. “I hope you heard the news…..”

“Havoc…..so… now what?” I asked with pure venom.

“Well Shane the thing is that I don’t need you after all. Carmen god bless her sweet sexy ass. She sure is sweet isn’t she? Well the thing is….imagine a clock ticking….picture it…counting down…” I drop the phone and run as fast as I can. I get down the stairs taking them three at a time and then flash and the heat of fire then the building going boom was the last thing I remembered.

 

*

 

“Shane….oh my god!” I must be dead there are three Dana’s floating around I try to grab one but I get nothing but air…. “Shane oh my…you’re ok…are you ok?’

“Daaaana….is that you?”

“Shane you need to go to the hospital!”

 

“Hospital?”

 

“Yes please hold on don’t die…”She is on her phone …Carmen is all I think before I black out again….

 

* 

 

I wake up in the hospital. There’s a tube up my nose. My head hurts worse than when I smashed up my Ducati. There are only two Dana’s now. She looks really worried. “Dana…..” I say with a voice full of rocks.

“Thank god you were out for a while.” Dana says walking over to the bed. 

“How long is a while?” I ask her.

“5 hours……Shane some cops are here to see you….”

“Dana you got to get me outta here.”

She looks at me like I’m brain dead or something “Shane someone blew up your house…maybe you should talk to them-”

“Dana please help me….their just gonna lock me up…..please someone I love ….she might be in trouble.”

She thinks for a couple of seconds. “Ok gimme a couple of minutes…. Your clothes are over there….”

“Dana. Thank you.”

“Yeah…yeah.”

I stand up and get dressed my head was swimming…….my new bike was probably trashed and Carmen was dead or in bed with Havoc…she kept me busy while he killed Mark and Curt…no...She loves me she told me so….she told me a lot of things…..Dana is back with an orderly with one of those laundry cart thingy’s. He points for me to get in and I do. It smells like bleach and other things….he pushes the cart and we are moving. I hear the elevator chime…and I feel it moving……..We stop and he tells me I can come out. We are in the parking lot. Dana whistles for my attention…she has a new Porsche. I get in and she kisses me…I don’t kiss her back….

 

“I blew it huh?”

“No it’s just ….just wasn’t meant to be…maybe in another life…”

“Is this about that Mexican chic?”

“Yes and no…listen can you get me to East L.A. this place called Ricky’s?”

“Shane you’re really fucked up you can’t save her”

“Yeah…but maybe I will have to….. Please, I’ll show you the way just drive before the cops come…..”

We get to Ricky’s and he is shocked as shit to see me.  
“Holy shit word was you were dead… you look like shit.”

“Yeah thanks Ricky. Look I need a gun. And a couple of clips no questions…’

“Sure…you heard about the crew right…guys getting popped left and right. Havoc hooked up with those crazy dudes from Mexico. Yeah man I don’t even want to say their names…Shane you can’t go there alone there’s nobody left just let it go you’re free…”

“Mark was a brother to me...and that muscle bound piece of shit might have my girlfriend…look man thanks for the concern… but I need that gun…” I needed to go my head was spinning.

“Sure Shane sure.”

So that’s why they went to Mexico. Carmen speaks Spanish. Very good Spanish. She said enough dirty things to me in Spanish for me.

“Ok standard 9mm four clips…. Good luck.” Ricky says. I walk out and get in Dana’s car. I get back out and throw up….this was a really bad fucking concussion.

“Jesus Shane you can’t save her like this….you can’t see straight …please don’t do this!”

“Dana how did you know I was in trouble?”

“You called me…you haven’t called me since you hooked up with that chic…I guess I was hoping you wanted to see me again….”Ignoring whatever that was. “I need to make a couple of stops can you drive me around?”

“Yeah Shane sure….”

 

The first stop was Mears’s he would know where the fuck they are. I rolled the windows down to get some air while we made the drive. Little by little my head was getting less muddy. But not by much. I tried to focus and tried not to feel nauseous. There were no parties tonight and that fag Mears was home. I knock on the door and as soon as it opens I crack him in the face. He falls right on his ass. He looks shocked to see me. I guess the rumors of my demise spread faster than a brush fire.

“Holy shit you’re not dead.” He asked while blood trickled down his face.

 

“Where the fuck is Havoc right now?” I asked gun in his face.

 

“I don’t know….” I pulled the chamber back. “but I can find out I’ll give him a call……please Shane don’t….’

 

“Just dial the number and stop being a bitch. And if you say anything the next sound you won’t hear will be your brain hitting that wall behind you.”

 

He dials Havoc to ask him about some shark (weed). They make small talk. Turns out Havoc is home with Carmen. Perfect. I crack him one more time so he can’t warn him I am coming. An hour later of dizzy and driving and we are outside of the auto parts front that they share. 

I get out of Dana’s car. I tell her to leave. This is gonna get messy. She kisses me goodbye. She tells me that she was stupid to not take my offer. She says maybe it could have saved both our lives. I turn and make my way up to their place. I see that the door was unlocked. They knew I was coming? When I walk in I half expect to see her dead and him laughing but what I find is way what I was not expecting. Havoc it cuffed to a chair. And he is alone. Carmen is not here right now. He is bloody and barely breathing……his eyes pop open when he sees me.

I take the gag out of his mouth.

“….Sha-”  
“Don’t do that…. “Carmen says. I turn around she has a gun pointed at me red eyes and a scary look in her eyes. “I thought you were dead…” She mumbles.

 

“Carmen I thought you were in trouble-.”

 

“Shane kill her she’s a fucking cop!” Havoc yells.

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up!” Her gun smashes him between words.

“I know…I’ve known for a while…..” She looks surprised and points her gun on me again.

“Carmen the other cops will be here in a couple of minutes this is gonna be bad for you…let’s go it’s finished….”

“No I say when it’s finished!” She turns the gun back to Havoc. Her hand isn’t shaking. 

“Carmen I am here I’m ok…let’s go….there gonna lock us both up for a long time…there’s a lot of blood on our hands….he not worth it!”

“Shane you don’t get it…he killed Helena ….he ran her down like she was nothing… He has to die……” She is back to pointing her gun at me. 

He coughs while he laughs. “Is that what this was all about? You let me fuck you for that…for some fucking dead chic…you have issues lady…”

 

I shoot him in the leg to get him to stop talking. He is screaming in pain. I should have put the gag back in. “Carmen look at me….look at me…. I know what you’re feeling…I know…but it doesn’t make anything better…it only makes you feel it more….please Carmen ….please…come on…you hear that right? Sirens….let’s go…”

 

“Shane you should leave…they will be here in a minute...” She wasn’t listening to me.

“You two are so good together... owwow fuckkkk. Come on Carmen kill me…..you know you want it so bad…you know it…come on…’ It’s seductive the way he says it. Like a kiss. 

“Shut up…shut up...shut...up….” I tell him.

“Shane leave.” She’s so calm. Erie calm. She’s made up her mind.

‘No.” I tell her. 

“Shane please…..go…..” Her resolve is crumbling just a little after all. I think. 

“No…” She points the gun at him…..time stops when she blinks…I move….in front of her….but it was too late…she fired and got me with it.

“Shane……oh my god…..why...whwywhywhywhy?” She is screaming and her tears are hot when they hit my face. This really hurts….bad….

“I …didn’t ...think you would feel good about it tomorrow.” Oww.

 

“Shane ….fuck…please…please don’t die….”

I cough some more laughing that was the second time today someone said that.

*

Three days later.

I wake up in a beach house. The wind is blowing, gently the breeze from the ocean is really nice. My shoulder is on fire. There is a huge bandage and my arm is in a sling. The good news is that my head doesn’t hurt anymore.....the bad news was this getting shot hurt worse than getting stabbed or maybe I just didn’t remember that well..... I was thirsty……….and my shoulder was killing me…….. I look to my left and see a water bottle. I gulp it down...

Where’s Carmen?

I yell Carmen. I yell Carmen again. And Dana comes in.

 

“Hey, you should be in bed…” She says.

 

“Where is Carmen, how did I get here?”

 

“She called me…I got you out before the cops got there….hey did you know she was a Fed….turns out she was working to bust up some drug ring or something. …I didn’t know you sold drugs….”

“I don’t sell drugs,” I wince. “I stole cars…where is she?”

“I don’t know in California I guess…. She told me to get you to a doctor but not to a hospital. I called up a doctor friend of mine and he took the bullet out of your shoulder, you’re lucky you were bleeding badly. So then I called my pilot and now we are in Key West.”

 

“Is she ok?’ I ask.  
“Yeah …but I don’t know really... she said to call only on this phone.”

“Why are you helping me….what about Conrad?”

“Fuck him…this the most fun I’ve had in a while….sorry…” 

She is really having a good time…weird. “Dana thank you….” I kiss her on the cheek. And walk out to the balcony.

I dial her number. It rings once and she answers.

“You’re ok?’

“Yeah well my shoulder hurts like a motherfucker….”

“I am sorry I …didn’t mean…”

“I know…” Seagulls and waves. Can she hear it? The line is quiet. “So you’re a Fed huh? I was thinking LAPD all the way....” I chuckle.

“Yeah….but I am thinking about quitting.”

“You’re not gonna turn me in?”

“You know it’s funny…I am supposed to…but I can’t…living the way you did…I don’t know…it’s weird. I’m no better I used my badge to try to get even…I don’t know …..I don’t know…it’s all a blur…”

“Come here….we can …be together. It’s all finished.”

 

“I don’t know Shane…I don’t know…wait for me…maybe when this is over we can talk for real…don’t call this number it….won’t be in service once we hang up…you did a very heroic thing…taking a bullet and all I guess that makes you even….” 

 

“Hey Carmen …was I… just a way to get in….or was it real?”

 

“I told you…everything we did was real…I never lied about how I felt about you…how I feel about you……I love you” The line is dead. I could cry. But it won’t matter. The pain I feel in my chest it dulls the pain in my shoulder. It’s the worst feeling in the world when you know your never gonna see the woman you love ever again.


End file.
